Palm Enders.. New Years Eve... (bleached Arseholes)

Greetings one and all From a Cold and dark room somewhere in the UK.,
my temporary retreat until the 9th of Jan, where i will be once again, back on the Palm....

Tis Wednesday, 31st of December......

Lets have a look at a few random things and thoughts today, with know real direction, just a collection of observations, and i would like to start with Xmas TV in the UK...

It never gets any better, and still panders to the illiterate, brain dead moronic moron's who wallow in an alcohol, Mince pie, and too much of everything induced coma, waking intermittently to The Royal family who are also sat on the sofa, in a comatose state with there Primark woollies proudly on display.. And Jim Royal, and his family are no better......(think about it..)duhhhh

Talking of things royal, i must share this fact with you.
Did you know, the antiquated traditional Guard who stands, statue like outside Buck Palace, unable to move for hours, still wear stupid hats made from the fur of Black Bears, which cost the UK tax payer. £320,000 a year to facilitate this ridiculous tradition, and a 1o0 bears a year a slaughtered to keep making these fucking things..
As an alternative, may i suggest synthetic, or lets make a couple from the Queens pubic region, or Prince Charles Arse fur.....Better still, do away with that old rocking chair Prince Phillip and make an array of hats, gloves shoes etc with his carcass.., that way, he becomes useful, something that parasite has not been since he was produced from some reptilian hybrid womb centuries ago.

Some new readers who have found my blog have asked me to tone down the language and religious comments...as they feel its spoiling the humour...To them i say simply this.''GET FUCKED''
YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T FUCKING READ IT, SO HAVE A HAPPY GAY BISHOP ARSE RIDING NEW QUEER''

I look at the world as an agnostic realist, and not here to win popularity contests, only to relay my thougths on how i see the world... it's called democracy, that last bastion of freedom before that's also taken from us from the big brother, Illuminati controlled nanny state which is spreading like a cancer quicker than you can shake a stick........

Talking of religion, the church are now offering an i-pod mini in return for one new soul.., Not a bad offer in my humble opinion.. My advise, Sign away your eternal soul to the church, grab your mp3 player then renounce your vows, before the brainwashing starts.. The big Fella will forgive you, he's omnipotent and i hear he has a wicked sense of humour, so will see the funny side in blagging an i-pod.... dial 0800 godpod for details...

''AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE'' but it'll piss you off 1st.



I bet the catholic/christian readers here have faces now redder than the devils dick...

''CHEESUS CRUST'', lighten up.... Actually, not a bad name that for a religious pizza franchise that.. TM.. my patent lawyer is watching.....

Funniest thing i experienced at Xmas was my girlfriend licking her cats fur,and no, that's not a metaphor, its a real cat, with real fur.. consequently, she was choking and spluttering for hours after coughing up fur balls, but still insisted it was better than choking on my balls.
And who said romance was dead......)
She was joking of course, as within the hour she was bucking like an epileptic at a strobe lighting convention..sat astride yours truly..)

A message for the girls of Dubai and the Palm......
This year,Keep kissing plenty of frogs, and you may just lift the spell and find your Prince charming under one of those Dishdash's.. Good luck, and let me know if you find one


Final observation....
I hear that the latest must have in our quest for eternal beauty is... wait for it.....
THE BLEACHED ARSEHOLE.... and I'm not talking about an albino who talks shit all night.....

Nope, i mean the starfish of the north....i kid you not,
what the fuck is wrong with the world when women, and now men are having peroxide painted on the that most delicate and personal of areas...
Below is a comical review of how i imagine things to go.

''I was reluctant at first but was suprised at the “clean” feeling just knowing that my anus is now fit for public viewing. I can whip my trousers down anytime and no longer have to worry about the “big brown eye” I recommend that everyone should bleach their anus - Frank, from texas

Thank god I found anal bleaching when I did. My bum hole was a real bad colour due to over 30 years of use. Now that my anus has been bleached, it’s like I have a new arsehole all ready to go again! - Nik, the palm

I know some of you people have this problem, and fortunately I’m here to help. I found a place where you can purchase a 2.5 oz. tub of an anal bleaching cream for only $9.99 . A lot of products sell for a whole lot more than that. If you’re interested (and I know you are.let me know). michael barrymore

If anyone out there reading this knows of somebody who has this done, please drop me a line.. I promise not to mention it..... lol......................

Until the next time... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY.................

THE PALM IS WATCHING YOU




'
'

Palm Enders.. selfishness & Airlines

1st things first..

Before i start my rant, and for those who know me personaly, this will be a rant, as this particular subject induces great anger and discomfort whenever exposed, or even talking about it, and this is........

Hold on a minute, i was in the midst of a 1st things first tip..... You see, even thinking about this subject, and my mind starts to wander, i break out in hives and hot sweats, and my concentration levels are renderd null and void.

...... Ok.....let me apologise to 34ff, who took offence to my last blog, so i wish to exend the olive branch, and hope all is well again.. I know she enjoys these blogs, so will have to get my editing hat on in the future before i press that send button.... as i dont want to lose my viewers

... Phew, got that out of the way,Hope we are still friends 34ff...

Now back to the world according to John Thomas...

If there any parents among my readers, best press delete now, particularly mothers, who will find this a little insulting... You've been warned...

Right, i will begin my clearly stating that the world does not revolve around your child,( though you clearly think it does) and aside from blood relatives, most, and i use that term loosely, MOST people do not care to listen or to have the latest pictures of your child taking a dump, pissing, spitting food, farting, sleeping, or any other number of emotions captured, then thrust into the faces of the sufferers with the latest 12million mega pixel camera phone and forced to go through at least an hour of torture, whilst we are emotionally bullied into saying ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, thats lovely.... Ohhhhh, isn't she cute, when its a he more often that not, or vice versa... I

TiS FUCKING PAINFULL.... STOP THIS ...Most sane, normal people,would rather have root canal surgery without anaesthetic, or listen to someone who's snorted 2 grams of coke, and downed a bottle of vodka, who think they are really interesting, and full of weird and wonderful story's,at a 10000 miles an hour, than experience the Pround mother banging the fucking drum about how painful child birth is, but then giving you a run down of the offsprings daily routine, minute by painfully dull minute....

Now thats painful, and we all know a few of these, come on, be honest..... BORING AS FUCK...

infact, the purring mother, and the boring drunk deserve each other, as each not remotely interested in what the other has to say.......

This brings me on to Airline policy, stick with me, i have not gone off on a tangent, its inextricably link'd to mothers and baby...Airlines do not allow you to smoke, nor carry knitting needles, or permission to copulate whilst on board,( THATS SEX TO THE MASSES)You must not board with shoes with explosive soles,or had one too many jd's , and under no circumstances make a joke within earshot of groundstaff, air stewards/ess's, of anything at all to do with national security, or you will be tied to your chair, like it it's the 14th century.

..BUT......You are welcomed into business or first class when accompanied by what is essentially a 14pound lung, covered by a light veneer of skin... Thats right, a screaming infant, who for know fault of his/her own cannot grasp the concept of reason, Hence, your neighbours affectively for the next hours will be subjected to blood curdling screams of such ferocity, you will fear for the safety of the windows giving up,..

This will negate any chance of the cabin who have paid thousands of pounds for a flat bed, and the promise of a good sleep... Not a frigging chance..... If parents have more money than sense and want to fly with this lung from hell, in 1st class, then may i suggest sound proofing the overhead lockers, where they can be placed for the duration, or flights where under 4's are banned... and for the record, i am not joking...

Taking off is bad enough, but oh my good god, as the pressure in the cabin changes, the longest climax in history starts, and a noise which rivals the eruption of Krakatoa( volcano for our blonde readers)..... reaches a crescendo just before touchdown, and what do you think the parents do as this is happening, and inflicting absolute misery on all around....Feed the infant some milk, sing it a lullaby, stroke its brow.

..... NOPE... The mother turned over, puff up her pillows and pretends to go to sleep. I say pretend for 3 good reasons..

1.. it is scientifcally impossible to sleep through 140decibel howling.

2.....no mother can sleep when there blood infant is crying.

.3.. I kept hitting her on the head with peanuts from 1 meter away as some sort of recompense for ruining my flight, and consequent lack of rem sleep.. I would have thrown a fucking hand grenade at her, but was not allowed on the plane with me....

Now, why was the baby not being comforted by the mother??? i hear you ask...... Because it was being held by a relative stranger... Yep, the father.. He who leaves for work when its still dark, comes in when the baby's already in bed for the night, and plays golf at the weekends.hence, the infant was terrified being jiggled around by a man it had never seen before...

And it appeared they she was punsishing the father for something... What a dis functional fuck up of a family, and replicated the world over it would seem.... If there is a god, maybe all 3 were consumed by crocodiles, whilst exploring the everglades, but if not.... PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE PLEASE DONT BE ON THE RETURN FLIGHT I CATCH.....

No palm observation today other than miss Katy was seen walking on the beach today with coat, scarf and ug boots.. Now unless she was thinking ahead of disembarking the plane she was catching 12hours later back to the uk, premature would be a word that springs to mind, and after speaking to her about Tom her darling other half, premature was a sensitive subject.... OOOOPSSSS. dont worry son, stress can play havoc with that gun of yours, and manifests in all types of ways... try grabbing the head nice and tight jsut before the money shot..... i hear its foolproof....

Dont forget, the palm is watching you...

MERRY XMAS AND NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL, AND BE BACK IN 2009WITH ANOTHER TALE FROM OLD JOHN TOMAS

Palm Enders.. xmas special

Ti's Christmas eve, 2008,
Today I am wondering what this pagan festival, (and that’s what it is, we call Xmas ) is all about??,and what it truly represents to the masses….

Its literal meaning is the birth of Christ, some old fella, very long on Beard, , Dark I think, or was it white??., Now, I'm getting confused with his old man, the big show, in fact the biggest show on earth, who most defo had the longest white beard known to man….Or so we are lead to believe, from looking at 1000’s of images which depict old JC and his Dad, both supporting impressive hair growth around there Vera Lynn’s, or any amount of Hollywood hunks who have donned the loin cloth, joined a hippy commune and not washed for a few weeks, whilst quoting the scriptures, ….

So we have been mind conditioned to accept that’s what he/they look’s like…, this is what I want to know..
HOW THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW THAT.. I really, REALLY want to know….

Camera’s did not exist back then, nor TV, NOR face Book, my space, or any other intrusive brain rotting people sharing sites..
Can you imagine if Face book had been around then…

JESUS OF NAZARETH,

BORN.. 25/12/0000..

Status….. For the last time''I AM NOT DAVID BLANE'', and
i have just fed 5000 starving camel jockeys, with 2 sardines and loaf of Hovis… I’m fucking shattered…..

MAY GO FOR A WALK ACROSS THE SEA OF GALILEE TO WALK MY DINNER OFF IN A BIT..

How cool is that…. He must have had so many women that guy, with a bag of tricks up his sleeve like that. .. Sure beats having a table in 400 hey Girls????..

I can see most of you shaking your heads now, whilst muttering
,’’you can keep your magic tricks, free champagne, and an after party on D frond, plus a Jacuzzi at plastic next Friday is way more impressive’’

How do we know he wasn’t Black, or a Woman, or possibly both….At this point, I'm sure the religious are screaming Blasphemy, and death to this heretic infidel…whilst knocking over a large vodka /red bull all over there prayer mat….oops, steady, is that hypocrisy raring its head again……

Lets leave the religious angle for the time being, and delve into what Xmas means to Normal people, well, I say normal, by that I mean your average Joe, with a wife, 2.4 kids, a mortgage he cant pay( even at 2%, as he lost his job along with millions of others in late November)and who couldn't’t answer the 100 pound question on who wants to a millionaire, let alone explain the meaning of Xmas, it’s this guy, and his ilk that amuses me….

It’s a time for partying, and gay full abandonment , Time for catching a healthy dose of Chlamydia in a pub garden after closing time, from the buxom bar wench called Trish….after one too many sherbets’s….

For drinking so much that the room swims, and you feel that your legs are on backwards, AND, the enjoyment of waking up the next day and sharing the pain over boxing day brunch, with a similarly afflicted friends, as group hangovers bring out the best in the British Male, and female alike now, as they have learnt the dark art of Binge drinking , and they too scream with delight regurgitating the night before’s escapades…

So, for most it’s a time to let of steam, try to forget that after new year, the most exciting thing they can look forward too is mindless chatter in the dole cue, and to think how the hell am I going to pay back the credit card company after spending the annual budget of Somalia on my Kids, who will want to supersede the Xmas gifts they received come January, when its little Johnny’s Birthday….. Consumerism, and peer pressure has Killed the true delights of this time of year for many, which should be about relaxing, playing silly games, eating too much, renditions of MY WAY AND I WILL SURVIVE on the karaoke , not thinking of how to pretend you’re not in when the Bailiff’s come knocking to take back the presents you’ve recently purchased….
I'm OK though, I have told my Girlfriend I just want her sparkling company, and nothing else, and in return she wants a pair of tights which are warm and practical, which I refuse to get her, as I far prefer stockings, for many reasons but the main one is this
..HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT A PAIR OF TIGHTS DOES TO A ROBBER’S HEAD…. NUFF SAID……

MERRY XMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU

Palm Enders.... The Bald Truth....

Tis the 19th of December, 2008, welcome once again to the jewel of the middle East, and i am talikng about myself, and not the palm Island..)

Whilst it's on my mind, i thought i would share with you todays observation.. And it came to me whlst walking through the MOE....to my readers not familiar with that term, it means ,The Mall of the Emirates..

A monstrous shopping mall, complete with its own mountain for ski-ing... i kid you not, but that is not what sticks in my mind from last nights visit, but what certainly did was the amount of Hair pieces, syrups, wigs, rugs,that adorned the bald pate's of every conceivable nationality of all ages..

Now, i know its a sensitive, and upsetting subject for many, when first discovering a nest of your own hair laying on your pillow 1st thing in the morning,.. At first its disbelief, then a wry smile as you look around the room, thinking any minute now, jeremy Beadle will appear from behind the curtains, thrust his midget deformed hand under your nose and claim you've been framed, as your mates run in with a pair of garden sheers, lauging Like hyeenas..,

Alas, not to be.. The reality is, male pattern baldness has decided to pay you a visit, and once he arrives, he wont leave( like your mother in law at xmas) until a 2 inch strip of carpet sits behind the ears, and little else apart from a few whispy strands that refuse to budge.. (Why dont they all fight like those fuckers, baldness would be a thing of the past).

Although, you will be compensated by an abundance of hairs growing from your ears and nose..The religious among us, why would the ol fella up there, who obviously laughs his arse off at the vanity we humans possess, add insult to injury by first taking away our pride and joy,( well not me, i have a mane that would rival Geronimo.s), then compounding the problem by unsightly hair, which grows faster than Dirk digglers, diggler, in places where hair is not needed.... What do you say Mr Agenda, would you agree,...ummmmm.. who's that i hear you say.....

Or possbly Mr Wallet could shed some hair, sorry, i mean light on the subject....again with the ummmms.

Now, this brings me nicely to what men are prepared to do when there own hair leaves the party...There are several uses and reasons for a modern syrup, or hair piece, which are as follows:

To cover a small bald patch

To cover a large bald patch

To cover a completely bald head

To make you look stupid

To be mocked and laughed at by both male and female of the species..

Primarily, someone who wears a wig doesn't want anyone to know that they don't have any hair underneath it. This is by no means unreasonable. What is unreasonable is that they expect people to believe that they have a complete head of hair when it's obvious they don't, because the last remains of natural hair have a totally different colour to the wig, and it perches like a dead rodent astride your dome..

There are many jokes told about people with wigs, more specifically, about the amusing fact that their appearance is not totally dissimilar to that of a dead rat or another small furry animal. This is not an excuse to wear a rat on your head, unless you are prepared to justify this to your colleagues., who will notice that one day you looked like an early stage cancer victim, the next, you look like joan Collins.... It wont fool anybody you twerp....

The funniest thng of all that tickled me last night was, as i studied these abominations of nature, was that they all had female companions of sorts, Not modelesque by any,means, ( You cant really polish a turd)..

but still, they were most defintaley couples, and i could not help imagining as they went wig shopping together, that at some point before purchase, the fella would have tried it on, look'd in the mirror, and said, yep, thats a bit of me, that looks fucking brilliant, and on pulling back the changing room curtains, the wife would agree that her man indeed looks rather fetching with his new mongoose attached to his suede

..and they then leave the shop to be ridiculed and laughed at by the world.. It has to be the womans fault, surely....it always is......

There's a member of the palm enders crew that has not a single hair on his head, from what i can tell, but he seems to be surrounded by women.. I wonder what his secret is..

So Mr Intelligent, Beautiful, sincere and kind... Whats your secret..... UMMMMMMMMMMM WHO'S THAT I WONDER.

Until the next time...

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU

Palm Enders.... Surveys&Handbags

Tis Wednesday, 17Th of December, 2008 and welcome once again to my worldly views on humanity, politics, general observations, and at times, Scandal from the Palm, which has been quiet of late, but the weekend is nigh, so I'm sure some idiotic occurrence, by a variety of idiots will be gracing this blog shortly, so watch this space

....Now, maybe the eagle eyed among you will have noticed this blog along with last nights are the same date, but blog 4 was written at 4.am so in my world, technically the day before... My days don't start until sun light wakes me up, and my first cup of strong arabica stirrs me into life.... Got it.. good stuff....

OK Today's worldly observation is random, but will share anyway.......Surveys&handbags...Every week a new survey of some kind tells us how much time we spend in traffic jams(Dubai folk don't need reminding of this, although us Palmer's, unless trying to get to Diera from 3 to 7 are privileged enough to be geographically placed in a traffic free zone... the marina or the mall is as far as i travel anyway, so traffic/smaffic.....)

Others surveys tell us how many hours we watch the TV, or how long we are held in automated cues, whilst a call center in Bombay tries to ''quote us happy'',

I was reminded yesterday, that the average man wastes of his precious time on this mortal coil a staggering 56weeks taking a Dump... (apart from Tom, of course, who spends only 56weeks off the karsi, as he enjoys it so much)....

Did dynorod clear the u bend again son ?.

..But, time wasted???? men love sitting on the throne more than being on holiday, its man thing... Venus and mars again, but don't try to understand it girls.... unexplained phenomena.. like belly button fluff..,how do you get blue belly button fluff when wearing a white shirt all day....???? we can split the atom, but try answering that one..

Anyway, 56 weeks is a blink of the eye compared with amount of time men spend waiting outside our cars, homes etc for our girlfriends/wives to find her keys or lipstick in there handbags, and don't ever expect her to answer her Mobile phone, which will ring for around 24hours before she finds it nestling at the bottom of her tar dis like bag, hidden from view under a pile of receipts for something she bought in 1990

.. These days, its quicker to write a letter if i know the woman has her favourite bag with her.. The Americans think the have a hard job finding Bin Laden holed up in some Afghani cave, well its lucky he hasn't chosen my girls handbag to hide in, Gone forever,..

Hey, just had a thought... maybe he is in there using her mobile phones( too many to mention) she lost 2years ago to supply AL jazeera with news...ummmmmm... CANT BE.. i hear he is staying at the Burj in the presidential suite, getting friends and family special rates....ooops, controversial middle eastern politics....

But in the uk alone, you women spent 350million pounds on handbags last year, with many costing north of 7000 pounds... ( you wouldn't want to dance around that fucker too often hey)

and that the average girl owns 40 handbags, all corresponding to different seasons or festive

'' oh no Darling, i cant be seen with that bag on this summer day, its made out of some obscure cow, and would look sooo wrong, i would be the laughing stock of oxford street.''

so, would it make a difference should it be made from cuckoos, dragonflies, or David Beckam's scrotum hair... .WEIRDOOO'S

Jimmy choo stated 'a good bag and a nice shoes is all a gal needs to look good'... WRONG AGAIN JIMMY..... If your fat, with one tooth, and acne, there is not a bag in the world that could mask that, unless of course you wear it over your head...Actually, don't do that, it would take 2 years to find it again....the head, that is....

i once with permission looked through a woman handbag, and this is what i found...Eye wear in the upper mantle, some chewing gum, which she claimed was not hers, as she never eats it.... uhhhhh? coins for countries that no longer exist, and pills and lotions for ailments which cleared up 15 years ago...

A secret pocket i discovered housed top level Al Queda operatives, lord Lucan, 2PAC shakur and Elvis Presley( still eating big macs).... Now i know why its so bloody heavy..

A man on the other hand will grab his car keys, his wallet , telephone and he is good to go....

VENUS AND MARS....... GO FIGURE..

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU

Palm Enders... University life...

Tis Thursday,18Th December 2008...... Greetings my avid, well at least some of you are, followers of my worldly observations, and at times, although of late, not many, embarrassing moments for the cast of Palm Enders..

Come on team, give me some material to work with, do what comes naturally, get drunk, and end up sleeping with someone who under normal conditions would not be seen within a mile of you...

Hey Girls, those local guys sparkling white long robes, with matching head gear look a lot better on ,than in a crumpled heap laid on top of your la Perla's, when daylight breaks hey, and you catch a glimpse of what was hidden underneath that expensive tent,

NOT PRETTY AT ALL...

Like make up and Big sun glasses, they hide a multitude of sins.. That's why, for me, the beach is the only place to really tell who and what you may be crawling into bed with, although, even there, we men can be fooled by the latest in woman's support bikini's, Honestly, i now know why they call them wonder bra's, because when they take them off, you stare in wonderment and ''wonder'' where the fuck THE TITS have gone''

And now, the fairer sex are wearing inflatable underwear, for that jay- lo look...

How the hell you Gunner explain that one when its time to remove them, and flip over on all fours looking into the pillow... Hilarious.... we Humans have lost the plot, especially the girls it would seem with these fashion accessories, which is testament to fraud, and Mis- representation of the truth...(right where's my lawyer)...

.Can you imagine if men started wrapping things around there pride and joy, and displaying a lunch box which would make linford Christie sit up and take notice, only to unravel a thing you could start a fire with if rubbed together vigorously enough......You see... fraud....

Now, for my daily observation, which will be taking a swipe at university life...

university life,is what i consider pure escapism from the real world.... I KNOW, some of my readers will argue black and blue about the great institution of uni life, i disagree, and here's why..

In prehistoric times, our ancestors began building shelters and planting crops in order to escape from nature's harsh realities. Today, we flee urban dangers for the safer, reconfigured world of suburban lawns and parks. people have always sought to escape in one way or another, sometimes foolishly, often creatively and ingeniously. Glass-tower cities, suburbs, shopping malls, Disneyland, Dubai, blah blah blah—all are among the most recent monuments in our efforts to escape the constraints and uncertainties of life,

but none greater than the 3 to 5 years students spend with there noses in books, regurgitating the bullet points into an essay, with structure and intelligence, which by the way you are born with, and not something learned.. (Nature versus nurture, which is another topic altogether)..., receiving the mandatory C , then getting on face book to arrange the next 3 days of drunken debauchery, copious amounts of class A drugs, which itself is a mystery bearing in mind the whole time they spend at uni, they have not got two pennies to rub together,

and live off carrots and tins of beans...

How do they pay for these drugs they consume,Another unexplained phenomena....

lets take a look at a random Degree, like Photography, and the history of Art,.. i know, its very random.., so random in fact, its not random at all, its my girlfriends present course..lolI have no issue with her pursuing her love of photography, and the practical time spent learning to aim and fire at objects of all sizes and different subject matter, but i do scratch my head and wonder how her writing a 10000 word thesis on post modernism, and why some dutch fella hacked his hearing equipment OFF from the side of his head, cause the world did not understand him, but then sold paintings with value which would wipe out 3rd world debt and exceed many small countries GDP,

but not until he popped his clogs, which in his case, is not a metaphor, as he was Dutch, and was very partial to a few pairs of these wooden monstrosities....plus that other Amsterdam delicasy, space cake, which , if you read betwen the lines, the reasaon old VAN G hacked his ear off, was because the voices in his head would not leave him alone, classic symptoms of Tetra hydra canibinol induced paranoi.... more commonly known as too much frigging weed, you Dope.... no pun intended by the way....

Anyway,its a complete mystery to me, the art world, and more specificaly , Art speak and the fact i am help to re-write her essay over skype chat each evening really makes my day.... (EVER THE SUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND).. i could write on the back of a postage stamp what she needs to say in 10,000 words.. Art speak is an absolute nonsense, and art critics need flaying over a hot barbecue, but do it nice and slowly describing to him with a 1000 well chosen phrases, whats happening to his scrotal sack as his balls catch fire.

You see, this will do her no good at all when it comes to leaving the safety of Brighton uni and finds herself in the real world, with 100 people going after the same job.... Although with her Wonderbra and inflatable undies, and the fact she is truly stunning , coupled with the predictability of the cave man mentality in your average man, she will be The French Ambassador to Latvia within 3 months, although she does not speak a word of either language. AND GREETS ALL FRENCH PEOPLE WITH ''ADIOS''.

PS... But i love her very much...

An economy student who now runs a restaurant in London, sent me an e mail yesterday, in reply to my own which outlined the present weakness in our currency, and why we are where we are, and where ultimately, where we are headed with the glorious pound......Now, this guy speaks beautifully, in fact, he does not just have a plum in his mouth, he has the whole fruit and veg store,stuck in his chops

but has the ability to fool people into thinking he is intelligent.,Remember, this guy, a former economy student replied to me...'' well, if we keep talking ourselves into this, then it will happen'' and that all this economic talk was well above his station, and just wanted to know why is garlic prawns were not being ordered at £12 a throw... A beautiful example of uni life, and its merits in today's world.....

GET A JOB, AND STOP FUCKING HIDING BEHIND THE USELESS BOOKS YOU WILL FORGET THE MOMENT THE CLASS IS OVER..

until next time, MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.

Palm enders..... Dubai's Dream

Tis Wednesday, 17Th of December 2008,

A warm welcome to my readers. Have been thinking today about this blog, and have decided not to commit to writing everyday, but when the mood takes me, or when/if something of substance crops up, and i feel the cast of palm enders would enjoy reading it.....

Don't want to become predictable,much prefer enigmatic, so that's what I'll be.... Although with whats going on the world, i could cut loose with a vitriolic diatribe aimed at the Illuminati controlled western governments.... But i feel, far too deep and far reaching for a blog spot, but if anyone on the list is interested in finding out how deep this rabbit hole goes, and how these manipulated events have unfolded,to the mess we face now, then let me know, and i will re think my decision.....

TODAY'S OBSERVATION ON THE PALM.... Dubai wants to be regarded as a major player on the world stage competing with the likes of Tokyo,London, New york, Singapore etc etc etc....

But has not a fucking clue how to service such a requirement..

Lets take our beloved Palm island, which is meant for all intent and purposes to be THE... most prestigious development in Dubai, and a worldwide recognition, and guess what, we can even see if from space....

Wow, i hear you scream...,who gives a monkeys ring piece, when if looking through a telescope from the moon, one would see a whole bunch of Filipino's picking there nose and eating it, or our other delicacy, the wonderful Asian community spitting and scratching there arseholes and smelling it....

I kid you not, as i have been privy to both examples just given....

Any extra terrestial entity watching us,from space of course must be thinking, 4000 years ago the pyramids were built with advanced thinking and intellect, as was machu pichu and the nazcar lines and other superior structures , But now in 2008,and the beloved palm has been built, and worse than that, serviced by a bunch of fucking morons

There vision is indeed applaudable, but alas, absolutely clueless when it comes to fixing a running tap, and overflow, or even a arranging a made to arrive at a normal time, Or , arrive at all...

And on top of this a wonderful service is provided and organised by the Palm , and this is. Drum roll please.....

Beautiful Call center' facility's where your complaint will be re routed via Karachi, through Mumbai, to an upstairs shwarma house in Satwa, Where the first question one is ask'd is, would you like garlic on that....and the second is ''Do you have a car, and can i quote you happy sir''.... No you fucking cant..... Fix my Air conditioning unit, its hotter than the devils areshole in my bedroom, and thats pretty warm....but to no avail, they send along 3 Asian fella's, none of which speak English, but all shake there heads whenever you ask them a question, which is confusing, as this means yes in Swahili, and nodding means NO..

Go figure.

The owners, for this luxury, at the 8th wonder of the world are now asked to pay upwards of 50,000 aed yearly service charge,,... The.. world has gone nuts....i kid you not...

may the palm be with you

Palm Enders... The coat Hanger..

Good evening my fellow palmists and for those in the cheap seats around Dubai, a warm welcome to palm Enders, the 3rd edition.

Tis Monday, the 15Th of December........ And don't worry too much about being social pariah's, if indeed you have not reached palm status yet, the cast of palm enders wont hold it against you, in fact, we must break it down even further, and have a hierarchical pecking order, a main characters list if you like, and i do.....

primarily, those with a full sea view on the right side of the palm, and those, lets call them supporting artists, who cough up copious amounts of industrial waste, and carcinogens each morning, after skipping, cleaning, or whatever you folks do on your dust ridden balconies each day whilst mesmerised Indian/Pakistani workers ogle the scantily clad MR SHOE CITY in full Lycra, complete with a pepparami attached on the right hand side of his shorts.... going through his daily workout....

God knows what the labour force make of it when they catch a glimpse of a female with a knee showing....or bent over, picking up the washing..( make sure you ain't got any mud in your eye) Those wobbly heads of there's must need re attaching...

So, to those on the left hand side of the palm, aspire, work hard, and maybe just maybe, you too will have a sea view one day .) OK, i feel compelled to make a comment about the users of face book, a phenomena which has taken over the lives of many, but again, can be divided into sub sections, and more importantly,observe other people's behavior. Not simply through the oft-inappropriate pictures they post or the vapid details in their "About Me." Rather, the ways people use Face book can speak volumes about their personalities.

lets break it down and see which one most resembles your own character traits.

1...THE PROFESSIONAL; these are the people whose sole purpose of being on Face book is to network with like-minded professionals. Their photos are from business functions; their posted links are all thinly veiled self-promotional items; and everyone on their Friends list looks like the guy from the "I'm a PC" commercial. Occasionally they'll get fucking crazy and send someone a virtual cocktail..., or head butt them with a sheep, and think that represents the wild . devil may care side of them..... conclusion....= Avoid like the plague, unless turned on my megabytes, hardrives, and team building pursuits....

2.Mr and Miss's boring You consider Face book your personal, God-granted sound stage/pulpit/billboard from which you can provide your fans (in your mind, the entire planet) with real-time updates on what you're doing, drinking, eating, feeling, smelling, vomiting up, and suffering from. It's likely you were ignored as a child. Now you will be ignored as a virtual adult., but you will laugh like a demented nut job every time you change your status, thinking ''the world revolves solely around me... if this is you.... reality check...

YOU FUCKING BORING YOU TWAT, GET A LIFE.....conclusion..... If train spotting is your thing, or not talking, but love to listen to a complete bore.. knock yourself out, this guy/gal is for you...

known Habitat.. any bar/club at the weekend, around the pool/beach next day with big shades on telling anybody who will listen what a banging fucking night he/she had, and cant remember vomiting over the taxi driver the night before.....PROPER TOOLS...

3.The Emotionally-RETARDED..Who Should Spend Less Time on Face book, and More at the Therapist:

These disthymic people are detectable generally by their Relationship Status updates, which change during every high- and low-point of their relationships and are, therefore, regularly documented in our News Feeds. These emotionally needy folk take no issue with posting awkward status updates like, "cant believe i just had his heart broken again and i see no real reason to continue life. :("usually accompanied by the broken hearted emoticon after every statement..

Do us all a favour, stop moaning and crying and man the fuck up...

conclusion... Needy energy vampire which will suck you dry of positive energy.....

.known habitat.. Any weepy movie, or at a James Morrison/blunt concert.... GOOD LUCK DATING ONE OF THESE......

but, can be great in bed, with all that immense passion bubbling away under the surface... Try to find one who;s step father liked to play doctors and nurses when she was 15... (( CONTROVERSIAL))) as these type really go off like a frog in a sock.....

4..the party animal with a empty head: Usually a bong in the main photo? most of your pictures don the caption "HA! I don't even remember this!" and your Face book page actually smells of beer!!!!

These face bookers are famous for status updates claiming, "Lionel is My Arse-Wipe of a boss and thinks I'm off sick, but I'm just hungover! HAHAHAHA!" Privacy settings and caution are thrown to the wind for this wild and crazy Facebooker who appears to be wholly unaware that employers, too, are allowed on Face book (uh, what?!). d'oh.... mindless moron.

conclusion.... will have great fun, but laughing at him/her.. not with them, which gets tedious after a while,.. OK, THERE ARE PLENTY MORE, I KNOW, BUT I THINK YOU GET THE GIST OF IT..

its taking over peoples lives....

Read a book, and educate yourselves...... go to the gym..... join a drama school... anything, but becoming a face book zombie......

NOW FOR TO DAYS PALM OBSERVATION...I HAD THE UNFORTUNATE SURPRISE OF EXPERIENCING WHAT I CAN ONLY EXPLAIN AS TRULY DISGUSTING, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO THE SUFFERING GIRLFRIEND OF THIS PARTICULAR FELLOW, WHO PRODUCED A DUMP, SO FOUL AND UNNECESSARY, THAT TO SMOKE WITHIN 50FEET OF THIS MONSTER CURLED UP IN THE PAN, WOULD HAVE RESULTED IN CERTAIN DEATH, WITH THE AMOUNT OF METHANE COMING OFF THE THING.. IT WAS LIKE A HUGE ANACONDA SLEEPING.... AND NEEDED HIS TRUSTY COAT HANGAR TO WRESTLE IT AROUND THE U BEND.. I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT A BROKEN COAT HANGAR WAS DOING IN HIS BATHROOM, AND NOW I KNOW.. AND THE NUMBER WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR I FOUND OUT WAS FOR DYNO-ROD DUBAI...JESUS MAN... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING, AND OBVIOUSLY A REGULAR OCCURRENCE WITH THE TOOL KIT AND EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBER TO HAND...LAY OFF THE EGG PROTEIN IS MY ADVISE, OR LIVE ALONE, AND NEVER EVER INVITE SOMEONE ROUND WITHIN 4 HOURS OF GIVING BIRTH......... I WONT EVEN GIVE THIS GUY A NAME, BUT TOM, PLEASE STRIKE A FUCKING MATCH!!!! AND I WAS TOLD BY THE POOR GIRL, YOU LIKE TO TRAP HER UNDER THE COVERS AT NIGHT.... WOW.. WHAT A CATCH.LADIES, FORM AN ORDERLY QUE FOR THIS CHARMER... LOLLLLLL....

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.....

AND NEVER FORGET, THE PALM IS WATCHING

Palm enders... Russian Roulette

Early Xmas greetings ladies and germs, and a sobering message as we head into a Xmas period full of uncertainty, not just on the palm, but the world in general, as work forces across the globe are axed in response to the ever increasing world depression....

As we head off back to our native homelands to spend festive cheer with our loved ones, those lucky enough to have a job should count themselves very fortunate, and my advise would be to outperform and make yourself invaluable in the work arena, and too button down the hatches and prepare for a lengthy period of economic hardship....

But to put into perspective how privileged we all are living out here, and suffering is all relative.... i always remember this...

'' I WAS SAD WHEN I CAME ACROSS A MAN WITH NO SHOES, UNTIL LATER I MET A MAN WITHOUT FEET.''

So time to be reflective, and to enter this period with a healthy perspective of world events and suffering, and to hope for the best, but prepare for the worse.

.... Now.... my daily observation...........and why the offensive picture above makes sense...

Why is it that men from Russia think its ok, and above that, cool ,to strut along the beach with micro burberry speedos, with a shuttlecock stuffed into his nut sack, and actually think that woman looking at him are saying.... '

'YOU KNOW, THAT'S A COOL LOOK''

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO its a fucking horrendous look, which went out with the Trojan horse, and like flared trousers, should never be allowed back into a modern day society.....

So Mr trapped sparrow, with the lions mane, and a face which looks like it was carved from granite, and a childhood which included eating lumps of concrete, may i suggest a pair of board shorts which come below the knee and sit low on the hips.....

Not your woman's thong pants with a fun sized mars bar trying to escape from the top, as you strut along the beach thinking..., well, i have no clue what your thinking, but believe me, the whole beach are all muttering under there breath as you stroll along the waters edge, doing lunges

''WHAT A FUCKING WANKER''

AND NEVER FORGET,

THE PALM IS WATCHING YOU. MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU

Palm Ender's.. Inaugral post

Welcome everyone to this e mail based blog, affectionately know as ''PALM ENDERS'', which will include gossip and news from the self proclaimed 8th wonder of the world.

It will be based on real events, from around the palm, and Dubai but the identities of those involved will be given pseudonym's to protect the innocent, or the down right guilty, and the aliases will be known only by me, but will be much fun for you guys and gals trying to establish who might be who.....

At times, i hope this will make you laugh, and others will surely make you cry, but lets have some fun, and ladies and gents, please e mails me details of scandal, lies, deceipt, love, acts of courage, of cowardice, or anything you feel others will enjoy reading......(names, building names, job titles.....etc etc )

Right, here we go.... get your reporters hats on, and camera's and lets see if we can create something great here.... obviously, to the privilaged few, my identity will be known, but for this too work its essential my identity remains annonymous, and i must have poetic and creative license to deliver this unedited, uncensored version of events.......

If you sign up, then you agreee to be bound by the above terms....

A little taster to start proceedings.Heard on the grapevine, that a certain date at the recently opened Nobu in Atlantis did not exactly go to plan...Mr Rolex watch was struggling to come to terms with the fact that it was a dry night(what a faux pas on the 1st night), and 34ff was not impressed with level of small talk which was the result of no bubbles to take the edge off, coupled with a vastly overpriced bill and the hilarious fact that old mr rolex could not use a pair of chopsticks for toffee, and ended up stabbing his sushi with the sharp sticks as not to go hungry.... hence, 34ff has pulled a david copperfield and disappeared from the radar.. Oh well mr rolex, a women will let you down regularly, but your collection of watches will forever be a faitthfull companion....

here ends this inaugral palm enders introduction.....
MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU