Palm Enders.. selfishness & Airlines

1st things first..

Before i start my rant, and for those who know me personaly, this will be a rant, as this particular subject induces great anger and discomfort whenever exposed, or even talking about it, and this is........

Hold on a minute, i was in the midst of a 1st things first tip..... You see, even thinking about this subject, and my mind starts to wander, i break out in hives and hot sweats, and my concentration levels are renderd null and void.

...... Ok.....let me apologise to 34ff, who took offence to my last blog, so i wish to exend the olive branch, and hope all is well again.. I know she enjoys these blogs, so will have to get my editing hat on in the future before i press that send button.... as i dont want to lose my viewers

... Phew, got that out of the way,Hope we are still friends 34ff...

Now back to the world according to John Thomas...

If there any parents among my readers, best press delete now, particularly mothers, who will find this a little insulting... You've been warned...

Right, i will begin my clearly stating that the world does not revolve around your child,( though you clearly think it does) and aside from blood relatives, most, and i use that term loosely, MOST people do not care to listen or to have the latest pictures of your child taking a dump, pissing, spitting food, farting, sleeping, or any other number of emotions captured, then thrust into the faces of the sufferers with the latest 12million mega pixel camera phone and forced to go through at least an hour of torture, whilst we are emotionally bullied into saying ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, thats lovely.... Ohhhhh, isn't she cute, when its a he more often that not, or vice versa... I

TiS FUCKING PAINFULL.... STOP THIS ...Most sane, normal people,would rather have root canal surgery without anaesthetic, or listen to someone who's snorted 2 grams of coke, and downed a bottle of vodka, who think they are really interesting, and full of weird and wonderful story's,at a 10000 miles an hour, than experience the Pround mother banging the fucking drum about how painful child birth is, but then giving you a run down of the offsprings daily routine, minute by painfully dull minute....

Now thats painful, and we all know a few of these, come on, be honest..... BORING AS FUCK...

infact, the purring mother, and the boring drunk deserve each other, as each not remotely interested in what the other has to say.......

This brings me on to Airline policy, stick with me, i have not gone off on a tangent, its inextricably link'd to mothers and baby...Airlines do not allow you to smoke, nor carry knitting needles, or permission to copulate whilst on board,( THATS SEX TO THE MASSES)You must not board with shoes with explosive soles,or had one too many jd's , and under no circumstances make a joke within earshot of groundstaff, air stewards/ess's, of anything at all to do with national security, or you will be tied to your chair, like it it's the 14th century.

..BUT......You are welcomed into business or first class when accompanied by what is essentially a 14pound lung, covered by a light veneer of skin... Thats right, a screaming infant, who for know fault of his/her own cannot grasp the concept of reason, Hence, your neighbours affectively for the next hours will be subjected to blood curdling screams of such ferocity, you will fear for the safety of the windows giving up,..

This will negate any chance of the cabin who have paid thousands of pounds for a flat bed, and the promise of a good sleep... Not a frigging chance..... If parents have more money than sense and want to fly with this lung from hell, in 1st class, then may i suggest sound proofing the overhead lockers, where they can be placed for the duration, or flights where under 4's are banned... and for the record, i am not joking...

Taking off is bad enough, but oh my good god, as the pressure in the cabin changes, the longest climax in history starts, and a noise which rivals the eruption of Krakatoa( volcano for our blonde readers)..... reaches a crescendo just before touchdown, and what do you think the parents do as this is happening, and inflicting absolute misery on all around....Feed the infant some milk, sing it a lullaby, stroke its brow.

..... NOPE... The mother turned over, puff up her pillows and pretends to go to sleep. I say pretend for 3 good reasons..

1.. it is scientifcally impossible to sleep through 140decibel howling.

2.....no mother can sleep when there blood infant is crying.

.3.. I kept hitting her on the head with peanuts from 1 meter away as some sort of recompense for ruining my flight, and consequent lack of rem sleep.. I would have thrown a fucking hand grenade at her, but was not allowed on the plane with me....

Now, why was the baby not being comforted by the mother??? i hear you ask...... Because it was being held by a relative stranger... Yep, the father.. He who leaves for work when its still dark, comes in when the baby's already in bed for the night, and plays golf at the weekends.hence, the infant was terrified being jiggled around by a man it had never seen before...

And it appeared they she was punsishing the father for something... What a dis functional fuck up of a family, and replicated the world over it would seem.... If there is a god, maybe all 3 were consumed by crocodiles, whilst exploring the everglades, but if not.... PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE PLEASE DONT BE ON THE RETURN FLIGHT I CATCH.....

No palm observation today other than miss Katy was seen walking on the beach today with coat, scarf and ug boots.. Now unless she was thinking ahead of disembarking the plane she was catching 12hours later back to the uk, premature would be a word that springs to mind, and after speaking to her about Tom her darling other half, premature was a sensitive subject.... OOOOPSSSS. dont worry son, stress can play havoc with that gun of yours, and manifests in all types of ways... try grabbing the head nice and tight jsut before the money shot..... i hear its foolproof....

Dont forget, the palm is watching you...

MERRY XMAS AND NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL, AND BE BACK IN 2009WITH ANOTHER TALE FROM OLD JOHN TOMAS