SOCIAL CONDITIONING

To quote a good friend from the palm, and you know who you are, this will be 3 from 3, in reference to the amount of blogs I have written on consecutive days, and zilch to do with something very different, and don’t bother asking, it’s a secret.!!!

T’is Friday, December 18, 2009 and welcome once again to the sometimes bizarre, sometimes cruel, but the oh so real world of Johntomas666.

Today’s observation is based on an event which happened to me a few weeks back whilst at a comedy show with a very special person, I noticed, not for the first time I might add, but during the intermission as I sat alone, and no, before you point out,’’ I thought you said you was with someone special?”, Yes I was, and was alone due to the simple fact of a toilet break…. Back on point please!!!.

As I sat alone looking around the room full of people, couples, singles, males, female, she males, hermaphrodites’, (according to recent reports, the middle east has more of these genetic fuck ups than anywhere else in the world, which is a wonderful advert for families interbreeding, You have been warned, brothers and sisters should never be your mother or father!!Not all bad news of course, at least when people tell you to go’’ fuck yourself, you freak, after noticing your gloves have 3 thumbs and 7 fingers on each hand, guess what, you literally can, which must be fun’’). Just for you Nancy..lol

What interested me was that not a single person in that room appeared to be peaceful the moment their respective partners, or friends had gone to the bar, bathroom, make a phone call, whatever, my point is, every single one of them reached for a mobile phone and stared at the thing for a few seconds before forcefully interacting with it, predominantly it appeared texting was the order of the day, and a few were playing games on them from the forced smiles it produced with the phone held up at face level, as a series of bleeps and technological wizardry amused these socially inept individuals.. I apologize again for the broadness of this statement, but really, we live in a world, which has lost the ability to communicate with the spoken word, as gadgetry and the science of progress cocoons humanity in a perpetual comatose state.

My darling nephew, who is a lovely lad is a prime example of why this phenomena bothers me. Every time I see him, I greet him with a standard’’ Hi Jack, how are you young man?”, not asking him to recite a Shakespeare sonnet in response to my greeting, but all I get is an inaudible grunt as he looks up from some mobile device, like a pre pubescent Neanderthal tree dweller, protecting his bunch of banana’s, which is lovely had he been stood in whipsnade zoo at the world of monkey magic, but not trying to engage me with a simple pleasantry.. This incident is replicated en mass across the globe, and hence why cyber sites such as face book, bebo, my space et al have become such a massive success,.

They afford privacy and comfort with the safety net of isolation away from the prying eyes of others who you think are judging or watching you---Idiots, its only me and my kind who do that, not 95% of the population, they are all to busy with blackberry’s, strawberry’s, dingle berry’s or any other type of berry which you can e mail, fax, or text on to be concerned with what you are doing, but we are a nation of self aware ,insecure individuals who are fixated with what others think of us… Fuck them, relax and be yourself, dare to be different and think outside the box for a change, the self policing sheeple ( people who behave like sheep)….will point and exclaim primarily,’’ oooh, don’t go near him, he’s dangerous, or he’s mad, he talks about things which are explosive or negative, his information is dangerous,’’ NOOOO ITS NOT, all information is neutral, it’s what we do with it which makes it positive or negative ,but again, fuck them, you will have broken free from the chains of forced servitude imposed on us through social conditioning and down loaded mind programs we are forced to ingest since birth really, but believe me, there is a another way..

Hold on, this is interesting, across the café where I am writing this, 2 girls are stroking each other’s hands and kissing which is pleasant, but on closer inspection, nope, these girls are the kind who will carpet burn their chins off between a row of hers and hers 15 hole laced up Dr MARTIN army boots, and turned up denim which could do with a wash, pretty much like the 2 girls in front of me.. And nothing like the lipstick wearing modelesque bi curious beauty’s who like to film their exploits on red tube..Work with that Rob..

I’m back .. Face book and the phenomenal success it has become.

I must admit, I am an avid face book user, but I use it to communicate with people across the globe whom I can’t see due to geographical restrictions, which is wonderful, but I awake every fucking morning to a host of notifications from a host of my cyber friends who if I’m honest would rather cross the street than stop and talk, but give them a key board , an empty room to accompany their empty heads and fuck me, they become creative… Today for the 5^th time I was dropped kicked in the chest by a pink sheep, oh yeah, and the same guy also head butted me with a Rottweiler 3 times uuhhh?..Fucking genius!!, answers to me on a postcard please if you can explain the point of it all….

Another girl, well a host of them actually invited me to feed their cyber beaver’s whilst they were out, and then stuff it when they returned.?? a good friend of mine asked me to clean someone’s cyber toilet which if I agreed would get a cyber hand job from Vicky, who I have not seen since she was 14….. Are you getting the picture.. Listen half wits, if you read my blog. then please, stop it already with this and read a fucking book, educate yourself before your remaining brain cells dissolve into a rancid jelly, if they have not already.

If you must indulge, I have a friend who just loves exchanging head butts, sheep’s balls, drop kicks to the kidneys etc etc… www.facebook/user/George/Dubya/Bush/jnr/userid.com. look him up, he’s got plenty of time on his hands now he’s not committing genocide and a host of war crimes..

Must share this last face book faux pas with you before I go to the gym.. I have already explained that I have a host of idiots attacking with me with a variety of farm yard and domesticated animals on a daily basis, but I also have a plethora of invites along the same lines which I decline on a daily basis which I usually do by clicking no to all, but this time I was going through them one by one, declining politely I had no desire to join the Hitler youth rally, nor the group to remove Tony Blair’s right gonad without anesthetic, although I think it’s a damn fine idea, anyway, this day I must have had 20 groups I had no interest in, and was frantically clicking no, and shock horror I missed the no and accepted the ‘’I hate paki’s group’’.. Which if you know anything about face book will now appear on my wall for the whole world to see, which leaves me with this dilemma. Do I leave it there and hope a mass of activity will hide it, or do I take a chance and leave the group, which will again flash up at the top of my wall declaring, Guess what, this racist pig has just left the ‘’I hate Paki’s group””… Face book is more like FUCK YOUR LIFE UP BOOK…for more reasons than you can imagine, but that’s another story

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.

Why must you lie...

I know, there has been has zero consistency in the house of Tomas of late, and my ability to write blogs with regularity has dissipated in recent weeks, but I won’t apologize. That’s the price one pay’s for sprinting the first few miles of a marathon, and the prolific word count when I started this thing off has led to this eventuality.. There is only so much a busy man can observe in any given time frame.. Blah blah fucking blah..Anyway, enough excuses and the ink is ready to roll again.

Well, lucky for you guys, here’s another one coming at cha, and the topic Du jour is the Lebanese and Iranians living in Dubai, and deary me, you can’t turn round without bumping into at least one of the aforementioned story tellers.

What is it with these two cultures although polarized in many aspects of history, beliefs and ideology share a common theme in Dubai. ‘’The Barry McGuigan complex’’,( giving it the big’un) which loosely translates into Storytelling, lying, deceiving and self promotion to the detriment of all others, whilst spending copious amounts of money which quite frankly they don’t have at their disposal. Now, I am well aware that is a statement so broad, it makes even my shoulders appear narrow, and I am sure the majority of both nations are a credit to the human race, in fact I know plenty from both countries and indeed they are wonderful people, but for some reason, Dubai, acts like a huge arse hole magnet for them both.

Can somebody tell me, Is there some kind of advert running in the Beirut Bugle, or the Tehran times, appealing for Arse holes only, who have the ability to spend 3 times their salary in a month, drive exotica on phony credit lines afforded to them by our useless banking system, infidelity is a pre-requisite of course, as is mental cruelty to any UN lucky female daft enough to get snared by one of these charmers, and telling the truth about anything personal, or on a work front, strictly forbidden, for fear of exposure, and the collapse of the ego and pride on which this masquerade is built…. One way tickets only though guys, im afarid, unless you sign a pre arranged iron clad contract, which stipulates you must enter an Arse hole quarantine on arrival back in Tehran or Beirut for at least 12years, which is the minimum amount of time one needs to be cured of all of the above and become a normal functioning human being once again..

Well, that application form must be the most successful in the history of application forms, as Dubai is , or should I say, it WAS, full to the brim with these wonderful divot's, until the economic downturn exposed them for what they are, confidence tricksters, and due to our soon to be changed bankruptcy laws, the Sheik Zayed road became a carbon copy of the gumball rally, as crocodile shoes, cowboy hats, jewelry, big cigars, enough hair gel to give Vidal Sassoon a semi on and flashy watches jockeyed for position as they raced towards the airport in an array of hire purchased sports exotica with dear john letters in the glove box and one way tickets back to Arsehole quarantine. Which proves that every cloud indeed contains a silver lining, so celebrate the recession, and smile brightly, that Dubai is once again a safer place to reside, although I hear the locals in Tehran and Beirut are crying into their teeth whitening containers…. Oh well, they do belong to you after all, so suck it up, show some brotherly love for these lost souls, and embrace their return to the mother lands.. A big career in politics awaits them, as they clearly display all the atributes required for a successful career in that field, namely lying, cheating, bragging, deceiving fuck wits.... Tony Blair loves you guys by the way...Wonder why????

Guys, I won’t hold it against you, or think anything less of you if on meeting me on the beach, or in the various coffee shops on the palm or in Dubai, you just exchange small talk and shoot the breeze for 5 Min's, although tedious at times, its far and away a superior way of passing the time than attempting to blow smoke up my Arris with claims you have inside information on the latest wonder stock which is about to announce something major which will triple the share price over night, and promises to call me well in advance before this life changing even takes place… Listen, we both know you know fuck all about fuck all when it comes to inside info, so better leave the ego inflating stories for your fellow Persians who are used to such claims and stories, so therefore wont judge you or write truthful but hurtful blogs, outlining your need to impress with bullshit…. Comprende!!!!!

Until the next time,

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.

Tiger Tiger, Burning bright.....

From the title of today's blog, there are no prizes for guessing who's in the firing line, and unless you have been living under a rock for past 3 weeks, one could not escape the carnage which has enveloped the wealthiest sportsman on this planet, and i hear you say, ''Please, no more, we could not give a Michelson's lob wedge how many whores he's been fucking, or strippers, pole dancers, trailer park trash moms, which he seems to be fond of etc he's been sticking his over sized genitalia into''..( i know, social stereotypes abound, but i hear through the golfing grapevine, he has his over sized wood which he swings with great aplomb, that makes Dirk Diggler sit up and take notice).. Anyway, i would like to throw my hat into the ring and give you my own take on Messieurs Tiger Woods, Johntomass stylee...

T'is Thursady, 17th December 2009.......Welcome to my world

First off, why are people so surprised that Tiger has been caught with his trousers down.?

He is a wealthy, scrub that, immensely wealthy guy, influence beyond imagination, power, and a global audience which makes Simon Cowell dance around forest fires like Rumpelstiltskin, cursing his luck.... To accompany this list he is a reasonably attractive guy, well, he seems to be until he removes his Nike baseball cap, and he suddenly resembles a Vietnamese retard.. Not having a pop here, just calling it how i see it, and i will review the variety of bloodlines which makes up the complete woods genome later on in this blog, but for now we'll continue down this road for now...

Ok, with a list of attributes as long as my Johnson, its no wonder girls are queuing up at 19Th holes around the globe with a chance of snaring themselves a big cat, and the chance of a healthy chunk of hush money, which seems to be flying out of Tigers secret numbered accounts to the tune of ZAMBIA'S NATIONAL GDP on a monthly basis, and it would appear this pussy cat really does like his cream. But my point is this, Why are people surprised, he's a man, with opportunity, period.!! Lots of them, like rolling stock on a conveyor belt, a never ending supply of fresh meat to devour.Take a look back through history to see how royalty, political heads of state, whole dynasty's have been taken down by that most prime of all real estates on this planet.. That's right, ladies and germs, where the thighs of both legs are reunited. PUSSY...

That piece of real estate is like kryptonite to the majority of the males on this planet, and has such a magnetic pull, its futile attempting to repel its power..... and the sooner this is recognized in the whole Venus V's Mars conundrum, the less column inches infidelity will consume.

On a lighter note, anyone in golf will know playing the wrong hole is a two shot penalty, so Tiger, the single 3 wood to the side of head was getting off lightly, although playing the wrong hole 11 times and counting who knows whats in store for you....But i'd certainly be trading that escalade in for a full military spec Hummer.

Maybe if you'd changed your name to Cheetah instead of Tiger, she would have been more lenient on you, just a thought... And the irony of Nike's great logo of ''just do it'' surely has not gone unnoticed... Certainly made me smile...

Now what make's Tiger so formidable on the course is a question for the ages, but i have come up with my own view based on his colorfull mix of bloodlines from different countries.

Part Afro American, part white man, part Dutch, and part Vietnamise, and those 4 different races have combined to produce the perfect golfer.

The Afro Amercan, gives him the natural grace and power, the Vietnamese for when he's stuck in the deep rough, jungles, etc which he escapes from quite beautifully, The Dutch, which gives him that laid back, calm temperment, which is essential when under pressure, and the White man in him means he can get on the course in the first place... You see, a perfect combo...

Different races have different genes you see, but often they don't work out for the best,For example.

I knew this fella, whose dad was a pygmy, and his mother was French, A brilliant cook, but alas could not reach the stove.

Another man i knew, his father was Russian, and his mum a Swiss Arab, and i used to see him walking ten yards behind his old dad with a dish dash on drinking vodka out of a cuckoo clock..

Last but not least.

Another man i knew, who's Mum was French and his Dad was french..He was a CUNT.!!!

On that note, i will bid you Good night, and Tiger, if i was you I'd have my Lawyers going over that pre-nup... Could turn out to be the most expensive Fuck in the history of Fuck ups..

May the palm be with you.....