Palm Enders.... The Bald Truth....

Tis the 19th of December, 2008, welcome once again to the jewel of the middle East, and i am talikng about myself, and not the palm Island..)

Whilst it's on my mind, i thought i would share with you todays observation.. And it came to me whlst walking through the MOE....to my readers not familiar with that term, it means ,The Mall of the Emirates..

A monstrous shopping mall, complete with its own mountain for ski-ing... i kid you not, but that is not what sticks in my mind from last nights visit, but what certainly did was the amount of Hair pieces, syrups, wigs, rugs,that adorned the bald pate's of every conceivable nationality of all ages..

Now, i know its a sensitive, and upsetting subject for many, when first discovering a nest of your own hair laying on your pillow 1st thing in the morning,.. At first its disbelief, then a wry smile as you look around the room, thinking any minute now, jeremy Beadle will appear from behind the curtains, thrust his midget deformed hand under your nose and claim you've been framed, as your mates run in with a pair of garden sheers, lauging Like hyeenas..,

Alas, not to be.. The reality is, male pattern baldness has decided to pay you a visit, and once he arrives, he wont leave( like your mother in law at xmas) until a 2 inch strip of carpet sits behind the ears, and little else apart from a few whispy strands that refuse to budge.. (Why dont they all fight like those fuckers, baldness would be a thing of the past).

Although, you will be compensated by an abundance of hairs growing from your ears and nose..The religious among us, why would the ol fella up there, who obviously laughs his arse off at the vanity we humans possess, add insult to injury by first taking away our pride and joy,( well not me, i have a mane that would rival Geronimo.s), then compounding the problem by unsightly hair, which grows faster than Dirk digglers, diggler, in places where hair is not needed.... What do you say Mr Agenda, would you agree,...ummmmm.. who's that i hear you say.....

Or possbly Mr Wallet could shed some hair, sorry, i mean light on the subject....again with the ummmms.

Now, this brings me nicely to what men are prepared to do when there own hair leaves the party...There are several uses and reasons for a modern syrup, or hair piece, which are as follows:

To cover a small bald patch

To cover a large bald patch

To cover a completely bald head

To make you look stupid

To be mocked and laughed at by both male and female of the species..

Primarily, someone who wears a wig doesn't want anyone to know that they don't have any hair underneath it. This is by no means unreasonable. What is unreasonable is that they expect people to believe that they have a complete head of hair when it's obvious they don't, because the last remains of natural hair have a totally different colour to the wig, and it perches like a dead rodent astride your dome..

There are many jokes told about people with wigs, more specifically, about the amusing fact that their appearance is not totally dissimilar to that of a dead rat or another small furry animal. This is not an excuse to wear a rat on your head, unless you are prepared to justify this to your colleagues., who will notice that one day you looked like an early stage cancer victim, the next, you look like joan Collins.... It wont fool anybody you twerp....

The funniest thng of all that tickled me last night was, as i studied these abominations of nature, was that they all had female companions of sorts, Not modelesque by any,means, ( You cant really polish a turd)..

but still, they were most defintaley couples, and i could not help imagining as they went wig shopping together, that at some point before purchase, the fella would have tried it on, look'd in the mirror, and said, yep, thats a bit of me, that looks fucking brilliant, and on pulling back the changing room curtains, the wife would agree that her man indeed looks rather fetching with his new mongoose attached to his suede

..and they then leave the shop to be ridiculed and laughed at by the world.. It has to be the womans fault, surely....it always is......

There's a member of the palm enders crew that has not a single hair on his head, from what i can tell, but he seems to be surrounded by women.. I wonder what his secret is..

So Mr Intelligent, Beautiful, sincere and kind... Whats your secret..... UMMMMMMMMMMM WHO'S THAT I WONDER.

Until the next time...

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU