A mish mash of observations and tit bits.

Good morning from the Palm, and once again, when normal people are tucked up in bed, snoring and dreaming they that they have a job., sorry.. Alas, twas a dream...



I am searching my memory banks for snippets which I want to share, and before I proceed, I want to state I am the eternal optimist, though my therapist suggests I am living in Denial....,

And she does not mean the white, nor blue body of water that runs through Egypt, but in fact in DE-NILE of something else...



What, she does not know, which is highly amusing, but she feels it could have something to do with my mum taking my stretch Hulk action figure away from me when i was 3 years old...Surprised she hasn't suggested that its a latent yearning to be breast fed again, although, can see the attraction ...



. You know how these physic therapists always revert to matters relating to mothers and sex.. Just like that cocaine snorting freak, Sigmund Fraud...(and its deliberate)... before you start.. All fucking bonkers if you ask me..... OK, forgive my dark sardonic wit, its rather sledge hammer at times, and we'll move on..



I guess i can write how i do, as i am fortunate enough to be in a solid loving relationship, albeit, a long distance one, which gives me a solid platform in which to express my worldly observations, which, some will find odd, and may well be scratching your heads, thinking, ''what the fuck is he talking about now''.. But, bear with me....



If i was dating the Bitch De jour, and spent a good part of my time wondering what the hell she was doing and with whom, my mind set would be of a guy who's girl has been pork'd on prom night by ten guys, and not even bothered to douche, before finally making it home with me.... Not nice or stable at all... , or having to deal with being hit squarely in the face with another persons love jacket, when she leaves, which scrambles the senses, and one loses perspective of everything and anything...



So, trust allows for a healthy frame of mind, which transcends beyond anything else, which is a great place to be.... And it would seem, a very rare commodity in today's, must have all i want age.... OK,, onwards and upwards.



Today a friend told me a story which happened last night, involving himself, who we'll call Eric Roberts, due to his resemblance to Julia Roberts brother, and a girl he picked up, who looked more like Ronnie Corbett... not a good start i must say, but got worse, as on getting into bed with this monster, both very much the worse for wear due to alcohol, Eric had forgotten he had left a large chocolate coin in the bed from night before, and subsequently during hot steamy sex, this coin melted everywhere, hence when he woke up and pulled back the covers,.........

He almost died, as a very large brown stain had formed on her arse, and all over the sheets.. and presumed the worse, and wondered exactly what they had gotten up to the night before with martini cocktails clouding his memory.... So he had to run the gauntlet and do the smell my fingers test( guys, you've all been there, so know wincing.).. Can only imagine his relief, when it turned out to be cadburys, and not a case of incontinence...Amusing, thanks for that Eric....



Why do Arabic guys go to the cinema with friends, then spend the whole fucking movie shouting into there phones, which by the way, are set to loudest setting and scriptures being wailed across the cinema , which are the preferred ring tone of choice it would seem, And is it me, or do they sound like a German with a heavy cold, trying to remove and cough up large amounts of phlegm from there throats, or is that just normal communication skills....Are they so arrogant that they feel we want to share their conversations with the whole frigging room, after paying 100 ding dongs to watch a movie in gold glass..

Clueless, rude ,camel jockey's... Turn the fucker off..Or stay at home and cough and splutter and shout till you lose your voice you melon.. And its not just him... There are loads of these fuckers, all competing with each other, to see who has loudest Arabic chant ring tone, coupled with most annoying loud voice.



And whilst in the cue, some charming local the size of a small Starbucks shop stood on my foot whilst pushing past me without asking, nor caring.. This was bad enough, and grounds for sticking a fork in his arse, and watching him fly round the room like a popped balloon, but he then proceeded to just allow his world to fall out of his bottom... I kid you not, he farted which sounded like a v8 Ferrari overtaking a lorry..... like it was his god given right for his anus to explode whenever he felt like



Now, at this point, i laughed like a hyena, and moved from the path of this ozone destroying bout of flatulence,which was melting ice caps as i stood and watched, but others stayed and did not say a word, nor found this strange, and i actually watched as the people near him started taking in small sniffs, in rapid succession,like a macabre and sadistic ritual which i have seen many times.



Its almost like people want to grade how bad this fart smells, before making gestures to all around and say things like pooooooooooooooooooooooorr.... that stinkssssssssss..... Of course it fucking does, the guy has just consumed the 1st page of McDonald's menu, and he super sized everything.. What do you expect,... Why the hell would you want to get a good lung full before realising this human skunk is living foul..... , Not pleasant and People are weird.



Last observation.

I was watching a documentary on children who are idiot savants, which is a form of autism, and manifests in many different ways, but often in a way which enables the child to be prodigious, and truly spectacular in some form or another...

This one lad could play Beethoven's 5Th with one hand from memory, but if i asked him to undo a jar of peanut butter and he would be well and truly snookered, completely bamboozled, and the same kid could again from memory recite whole chapters of Shake spear, but try and give him a cuddle, and he would screamed the fucking house down...

I'm sorry, but i was laughing as much as i did when i watched some poor sod with turrets syndrome swear so bad at his mother who asked if he wanted some tea, it took the paint of the walls... And to this day, i swear ( pun intended) that documentary on Turrets is pure comedy genius, and better than any stand up show in history, OK, so i am not politically correct, i don't claim to be, and PC has spread like a virus to the point where its gotten out of control..... So fuck it... if something is funny, i will laugh, and not wonder if its PC to do so...

Which is why i don't have kids i guess, and some will say the reason condoms were invented, to stop the breeding of such cruel humour with no understanding of sensitivity being passed on through my gene pool...

So my Girl wants me to wear a condom, which is a big no no in my world. You know, i can dance,play the drums, sing in tune, so the rhythm method is obviously the system of choice pour moi..., i Gots the rhythm method down....anyway, condoms are real passion killers, although one time i tried them,when we had finished,after 8 hours, i know a quick one, but match of the day was on..))))) that bit on the end was real handy for me to put my foot on when taking it off,.....

Signing off for now....Johntomas.. better known as LONG DONG SILVER... .)







You see, there is a method in my madness...

Why the girls gotta get paid

Greetings, tis the 31st of Jan 09.

This year

marked a confluence of events both real ,and thinly fictionalized in TV shows like (Showtime’s “Secret Diary of A Call Girl"), that arguably made 2008, and most defo 2009. the Year of the Prostitute., call girl, slut, secretary, doughnut seller, wife... Or whoever procures material gain for providing sexual gratifictation for the paying male.,or female, for that matter,depending on your sexual bias...

Which includes a wife who does not marry for love, but rather comfort, security, material gain, Expensive lunches, with an ever greater expense account,

which in the opinion of many who i interviewed on this subject,agreed whole heartedly,this was the same thing, but even more sinister and cold than the working girl, who at least charges for a service overtly, than the manipulating, who still charge by the hour, and at times alot more than a professional girl, but covertly, and even go through the masquarade of a matrimonial fraud to complete the illusion.....

Interesting times indeed.

The 20th century will certaintly will be remembered fondly as the century of bi-sexuality... Which if you ask 100 men what they think of that, 99 will clearly state, ''I FUCKING LOVE IT'', as long as we are talking about feminine lipstick lesbo's who have step'd straight off a 50cent/snoop dog video, with bodies to die for, as opposed to the Shaven headed, Dr Martin wearing, heavily tatoo'd whale masquarading as a female, with the obligatory l.o.v.e & h.a.t.e tatoo on the knuckles of each hand...,,

Atually, i have seen lebains so tough and rugged, they actually have love and hat on her hands after losing the E from hate in a bar brawl... Imagine walking around with LOVE & HAT on your hands. .. how fucking funny is that....).... Driving vehicles with stickers calling for Martina Navratilova as president, and others to save the 3 leg'd, gay tuna fish....

These types of lesbian do not appeal to men whatsoever,.. (Strange that hey... cant work it out at all)...)

The remaining 1 percent of men are blatant liars.... And will be the pussy wupped boyfriend/husband terrified of his partner who will put his balls through the ringer when she gets him home.....if he dare admit to watching lesbian porn..

Men are basic, and all fantasies involve 2 women doing naughty, or very naughty things to each other,with a series of vegetables from the kitchen , or donning a leather contraption fitted snuggley under and around the side, with apendages of varying length and girth..... Period!!!!...

Back to the topic at hand,.. (Damn, was i being self indulgent then, and inflicting my own fanatasy , nope, most definitely not... Men are pigs.. basic cave dwelling conquerers, and procreaters, who just love girl on girl action..

i just write and say the things most men would give their left nut to, but like most of the sheeple, are far to afraid of what the masses who self police each other might say... People, stop with the pride,ego and trepidation of being judged by members of the community, who are no better than the fascist thought police... And speak your minds....

A cache of articles glamorizing the oldest profession in recent months, combined with the economic tailspin, has put a question you women might once have asked yourself in your darkest hour firmly at the fore: Would you sell your ass for money?,

Sure, the prospect of exchanging your goodies, or baddies (and we’re not just talking sex, but any sort of sexual activity) for goods still carries stigma, and the feminist positions for and against are as numerous and complicated as the positions in the Kama Sutra., ( i have just updated that, and discovered some new positions, e mail me for furter details,

OR FIND ME AT THE RATTLESNAKE MOST NIGHTS..LOL

Well, if you cant beat them, join them.. ).But the more attention the topic gets on the national stage, the less it stays a dirty little secret.

This is a funny, but typical debate which is asked in some form or another along these lines.. similar to the age old dilemma of would you sleep with someone you didnt know for a million pounds..

The other day my friends & I were playing would you rather… Be homeless OR Sell your body. It was a 50/50 split. This is one of those silly debates that puts more liberal outlooks on one side & conservatives on the other.

But the way i see it is this...

Most Girls have become increasingly aware of the power they exhibit over the basic male, and one has to only look around the bars.hotels of Dubai to see how common this oldest of all professions is booming.. Its recession proof...

This age old debate will rage for an eternity, but as the recession bites deeper and harder, and that is not a Euphemism for a blowjob technique, the allure of easy cash, clothes, nice car, etc, for no strings attached rolls in the hey, becomes ever more desirable, and as long as there enough desperate men out there who are wlling to part with daft amounts of cash for cold, calculated sex, with very average looking women, this profession really is recession proof.

These girls go hard for their paper, and take no prisoners..but serve an honest service, as opposed to the hunting predator, dress'd up as loving wife, which is a different animal altogether

COMING TO A BAR NEAR YOU VERY SOON.

Update on Obama Blog & the Samiad

Jude, very impressive, but we were there to play golf, not to build illustrious
palaces in the bunkers.

Ti's Monday, 26Th of JAN 2009

Good afternoon ladies & germs,

A very quick one today, in response to the Obama seduced optimists..

I am willing to concede that i am a huge conspiracy theorist, and all my observations, statements, research for the last 15 years is a result of my paranoia and brainwashing from the dis infomationalists, IFFFFF.. the world after another 2 to 3 years becomes a peaceful, loving place to live, with economic hardship drifting into obscurity, and a booming happy environment for the next generation thriving...

With sovereign states retaining their status, and not becoming a part of the global push for a one world government, army, and currency, all controlled by a single world banking system, which if you cant see with your own eyes is happening, I will change my name to John Le shitski by deed pole, stand on my head naked with a huge hard on whilst singing Star spangled banner in the middle of the shoreline beach on a weekend, then, for an encore i will insert or attempt to insert my fist in my Arse....

On the other hand,( and not the one i will use for the above act of self harm)) if my vision and Obama Modus operandi proceeds the way i have forecast, and the world is pushed towards a new world order, with this global big brother agenda, being introduced on the back of more theatrical wars, more bogey men flashed across your screens, like Bin Laden/Saddam/ et al to collectively brainwash the masses with a constant barrage of key words like Weapons of mass destruction... Al Queda..... terrorists, like a mantra on a continual loop from the Illuminati controlled media empires, to justify more and more attacks on countries which possess assets that the USA need to retain economic supremacy. You will see a media frenzy against Pakistan, with news events depicting terrorist cells causing chaos throughout the region, with car bombs, suicide bombers, etc, and a fresh claim that Pakistan is harbouring Bin Laden, holed up in some obscure cave, but has state of the art equipment which the CIA cant trace, whilst controlling and funding terrorist camps and Al Queda operations the world over, and he is in bed with all the Pakistani no gooders plotting the destruction of the western world.. The CIA/NSA/MI5 can read the time from my wrist watch from any country in the world via super spy satellites, but cant pick up Mr Laden's whereabouts, nor track his communications trail...Maybe he's using carrier pigeons to fool the might of the western secret services, or maybe, just maybe, it has fuck all to do with him, and like Saddam, he is a mere patsy, the mythical Bogey man needed to substantiate another attack on a country outstripping the USA economically, and a great need to destabilize the whole India/Pakistan/AND China region, which is in fact there real target for destabilization.... I know this is a scary doomsday scenario, but a very real possibility in the next few years in my humble opinion, OK, not so humble, but my opinion never the less, and i will be very happy to announce myself as a conspiracy theorist if none of the above materializes within 2 years from today..

Whilst we are talking politics, i truly believe that The Illuminati/bilderberger/tri-lateral commisionist and our ex prime minister, The lying, deceitful, fuck stick...Tony Blair will be heading up a European government, which will be introduced sooner, rather than later, which again will be a stepping stone towards a world governing body...The one world, new world order my friends is not a dream or conspiracy, this is where they are taking us..Blair was happy to leave a sinking ship, and hand the reigns of power over to Brown, knowing full well, this personality zombie would fail miserably to revive an already fucked UK, which in turn would elevate Blair unopposed into the head seat of the European super state..

Mark my words, this will happen, and if not, i want only this....The doubters out there, like SLICE, and many others of my closed minded friends and believers of what sky/cnn/fox/bbc., and the daily papers tell them, and believe the shit that is no more than a programmed illusion....But, when my vision turn out to be a reality i Want you doubting Thoma's to say....

You Know what John Tomas.... you were right all along

....( Also i have no desire whatsoever to be placing my fist where the sun has never shone)..nor revealing to the residents on the palm, a Johnson the size of a babies arm, holding a plum..... whilst stood on my head.....Sorry ladies, and for the gay guys reading, my apologies extend to you also.. You see, an equal opportunity's writer.)

WATCH THIS SPACE, AS TIME WILL BE MY JUDGE AND JURY..

OK, quick story.

Dusted the old golf clubs down couple of days ago and headed to the creek with a couple of mates from my home town back in the UK...

In keeping with the tradition of this blog, i will give these guys an alias.

Jude Law, who is a regular down here, but not a resident, and Tom Thumb who is.

Jude law turned up with a bucket and spade, and not the normal clubs one associates with golf, which i found odd, but became abundantly clear. as he spent more time in the sand hacking wildy than Pamela Anderson and David The HOFF Hasslehoff rehearsing for an episode for baywatch...(EUREKA, now i know the significance of the tight red shorts). which , sorry mate for laughing, was fucking hilarious...

The object of the game is to get the ball from the tee to the whole in the least amount of shots Jude, not to build a sand castle and shake hands with the sand fairy's, in every bunker on the course..

And Tom Thumb, a grown man ,played reasonable well considering he used a set of clubs from toys r us.. which still looked big in his tiny hands...TOM...(is a dwarf someone with proportionate arms and legs size to his head, although vertically challenged, or is that a midget)... As I need to stay factual and pc here.... Let me know please..cheers..

Anyway, I took the money, but was great fun to be back out there....jude,( the samiad) and Tom...Both different class.. much love., thank you and goodnight..

until the next time..

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU

Married life..Palmenders edition

Tis 25th of Jan 2009.....

A warm welcome

from the 8th wonder of the world, and today i want to look at this institution of The M word.. That's right, mmmmmMarriage, ( you see, i cant even write it without stumbling and stammering).

Now, i wont be so bold as to claim that i am any kind of expert on this institution, which is rapidly dying, which in my humble opinion is a good thing, as its proven itself through official figures to be failed institution, and percentages are growing all the time which support my beliefs, but for those still hell bent on going through this antiquated ritual, good luck, but one word.

pre-nup..pre-nup.... pre-nup...pre-nup...

Also, i have not been privy to married life in this part of the world,( other than what we all see ,so I'd better be careful as not to upset my host country..)

So this Demographic and hence the dynamics of the aforementioned married life will get a pass, but the developed world, and hence the rest of you Will now play host to the satire and comical observation of Johntomas....

If your in a good marriage, chances are, you are bored out of your fucking minds, as all ''GOOD' AND SOLID'' relationships are boring...( well, you know Geraldine, my husband is such a good father,and he works so hard, and comes home at night exhausted from work, eat his tea, farts a few times, then falls asleep in his favourite chair)..Its putting my brain to sleep, just writing that shit.....

Its the bad ones which carry the excitement, as you never know whats going to happen next..

So take your pick... Married and bored, or single and lonely.

Or a tempestuous sea of a relationship, where you have zero peace, nor trust, but boy its exciting, like the scariest rolla coaster know to man... but eventually, you will be burn out.. but the exchanges of ''No, it must have been you that cheated on me and gave me this nice little disease which i will carry for the rest of my day''... Nope, it was you.. blah blah blah, could not have been me, i don't cheat.. yeah, like fuck you don't..... You see... excitement all the way...

Or would you settle for this scenario played out across the globe....

You see, once your married, you will be forced to hang around other married couples, and that's disgusting..

Look forward to going to dinner with 8 zombiefied adults, the women talking about the latest in no leak nappies and diaper's, hair colorings, the latest nail bar just opened up,where you can get 3 nails done for the price of one... WORK THAT ONE OUT...LOL..

Obligatory compliments. like .''oh, what kind of moisturiser are you wearing, come on, tell us, you look 16 again.'' shut the fuck up, please... Its tedious beyond comprehension..and mendacious small talk.

Whilst the men who are all stood up by the bar, with polo jumpers slung around there necks, looking like they have all just stepped off a yacht somewhere.,talking about Barbecue's, hedge trimmers, and routes they take to work...

'' You know, sometimes i take this route i found a while back, it takes a good ten minutes off my journey, you should try it Jim, '' and all the other boring turds are nodding politely whilst stating, indeed i will Chris, thanks for the heads up man,,,,.... SHUT THE FUCK UP.... TEDIOUS!!!!

Then after eating for 3 hours the dross and small talk continues along the same lines as above, the men start asking the manager about the architecture of the restaurant whilst the Ladies are now asking the chef whats in the tea... ''Fucking water you moron''.. Go home, get your pyjama's on and look forward to the same shit the next day..

And fellas, once your married, you will become your wife's pet... That's right, her pet.

Women just love to get their husbands together, like a grown up play date for men, stick them in a room together with more boring married twerps... Pushing them towards other married men they have never met, and saying''Its alright Chris, he loves tennis just like you'', go along and speak to him... And off good christian goes like an obedient pet, and sure enough, good old chuck indeed loves tennis..'' i love tennis chuck, yeah, me too Chris.. great game.....yes sir it is, the best..... Yep, cant argue there Chuck.... '' how fucking painful is that... , LIKE CHINESE WATER TORTURE

Then Chris goes back to his wife and says, listen, who the fuck is that, and i don't need any new friends, so if you really want to help me out introduce me to a GIRL.. see how that one sits.,More chance of finding lord Lucan i afraid.

Then you get home and the wife starts again with the lets talk, we need to talk.. talk talk, fucking talk, we never talk., but the truth is ,she don't want you to talk talk talk, she wants you to listen listen listen... its relentless, but what she is really angling for is for you to ask her a series of questions which will allow her to run her mouth,non stop, like pac man with the munchies,.. You set em up, she'll knock em down.

Fellas, you want happiness in your home, just ask her..''my love, how was your day, honey i want to know''/.. You know why that will make her so happy, cause how was your day will turn into a 45minute monologue, without breathing.....and all you will be required to say is, at various points in this assault on her vocal chords is.. and i will list them.. Your kidding,.... ah haa.... get outta here..... she didn't..... ah aaaa... No way.. your kidding.. reeally.. no way.... and at the end, ''

''Told you that bitch was crazy, ''..

fellas. tell me I'm lying...And it essential you throw that bit in at the end, as all women will have another woman at work, gym, nursery that she cant stand, and will always come up in conversation..,'' I CANT STAND THAT WOMAN, SHE HATES ME FOR NO REASON, AND TRYING TO DESTROY MY LIFE''.... you probably pack handbags together in debenhams, so a little over the top there with the drama..

Now the men after finishing work will go for a drive, have a smoke, a drink, something before he goes to the family retreat, and before he sets one foot inside the door, the wife has already started..''you wont believe what happened to me today'... at 1000 miles a hour, as one topic runs into another at breakneck speed....LADIES... YOU NEED TO TALK LESS.... give a man time to get inside the house and get situated, take a shit, a cup of tea, or at least the other foot in the door before you start.....

And society wants to know why 70% of marriages end in the divorce courts.....

What is there to wonder about.... we come from different planets, and neither gender has worked out the formula to live in harmony.....

KEEP IT FRESH, HAVE YOUR INDEPENDENCE, LIVE APART, DATE, BUT AS SON AS YOU DO THE M THING, LOOK OUT..... THE ABOVE IS WAITING FOR YOUR ARSE...

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME....

MUCH LOVE FROM THE PALM