Palm Enders... The coat Hanger..

Good evening my fellow palmists and for those in the cheap seats around Dubai, a warm welcome to palm Enders, the 3rd edition.

Tis Monday, the 15Th of December........ And don't worry too much about being social pariah's, if indeed you have not reached palm status yet, the cast of palm enders wont hold it against you, in fact, we must break it down even further, and have a hierarchical pecking order, a main characters list if you like, and i do.....

primarily, those with a full sea view on the right side of the palm, and those, lets call them supporting artists, who cough up copious amounts of industrial waste, and carcinogens each morning, after skipping, cleaning, or whatever you folks do on your dust ridden balconies each day whilst mesmerised Indian/Pakistani workers ogle the scantily clad MR SHOE CITY in full Lycra, complete with a pepparami attached on the right hand side of his shorts.... going through his daily workout....

God knows what the labour force make of it when they catch a glimpse of a female with a knee showing....or bent over, picking up the washing..( make sure you ain't got any mud in your eye) Those wobbly heads of there's must need re attaching...

So, to those on the left hand side of the palm, aspire, work hard, and maybe just maybe, you too will have a sea view one day .) OK, i feel compelled to make a comment about the users of face book, a phenomena which has taken over the lives of many, but again, can be divided into sub sections, and more importantly,observe other people's behavior. Not simply through the oft-inappropriate pictures they post or the vapid details in their "About Me." Rather, the ways people use Face book can speak volumes about their personalities.

lets break it down and see which one most resembles your own character traits.

1...THE PROFESSIONAL; these are the people whose sole purpose of being on Face book is to network with like-minded professionals. Their photos are from business functions; their posted links are all thinly veiled self-promotional items; and everyone on their Friends list looks like the guy from the "I'm a PC" commercial. Occasionally they'll get fucking crazy and send someone a virtual cocktail..., or head butt them with a sheep, and think that represents the wild . devil may care side of them..... conclusion....= Avoid like the plague, unless turned on my megabytes, hardrives, and team building pursuits....

2.Mr and Miss's boring You consider Face book your personal, God-granted sound stage/pulpit/billboard from which you can provide your fans (in your mind, the entire planet) with real-time updates on what you're doing, drinking, eating, feeling, smelling, vomiting up, and suffering from. It's likely you were ignored as a child. Now you will be ignored as a virtual adult., but you will laugh like a demented nut job every time you change your status, thinking ''the world revolves solely around me... if this is you.... reality check...

YOU FUCKING BORING YOU TWAT, GET A LIFE.....conclusion..... If train spotting is your thing, or not talking, but love to listen to a complete bore.. knock yourself out, this guy/gal is for you...

known Habitat.. any bar/club at the weekend, around the pool/beach next day with big shades on telling anybody who will listen what a banging fucking night he/she had, and cant remember vomiting over the taxi driver the night before.....PROPER TOOLS...

3.The Emotionally-RETARDED..Who Should Spend Less Time on Face book, and More at the Therapist:

These disthymic people are detectable generally by their Relationship Status updates, which change during every high- and low-point of their relationships and are, therefore, regularly documented in our News Feeds. These emotionally needy folk take no issue with posting awkward status updates like, "cant believe i just had his heart broken again and i see no real reason to continue life. :("usually accompanied by the broken hearted emoticon after every statement..

Do us all a favour, stop moaning and crying and man the fuck up...

conclusion... Needy energy vampire which will suck you dry of positive energy.....

.known habitat.. Any weepy movie, or at a James Morrison/blunt concert.... GOOD LUCK DATING ONE OF THESE......

but, can be great in bed, with all that immense passion bubbling away under the surface... Try to find one who;s step father liked to play doctors and nurses when she was 15... (( CONTROVERSIAL))) as these type really go off like a frog in a sock.....

4..the party animal with a empty head: Usually a bong in the main photo? most of your pictures don the caption "HA! I don't even remember this!" and your Face book page actually smells of beer!!!!

These face bookers are famous for status updates claiming, "Lionel is My Arse-Wipe of a boss and thinks I'm off sick, but I'm just hungover! HAHAHAHA!" Privacy settings and caution are thrown to the wind for this wild and crazy Facebooker who appears to be wholly unaware that employers, too, are allowed on Face book (uh, what?!). d'oh.... mindless moron.

conclusion.... will have great fun, but laughing at him/her.. not with them, which gets tedious after a while,.. OK, THERE ARE PLENTY MORE, I KNOW, BUT I THINK YOU GET THE GIST OF IT..

its taking over peoples lives....

Read a book, and educate yourselves...... go to the gym..... join a drama school... anything, but becoming a face book zombie......

NOW FOR TO DAYS PALM OBSERVATION...I HAD THE UNFORTUNATE SURPRISE OF EXPERIENCING WHAT I CAN ONLY EXPLAIN AS TRULY DISGUSTING, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO THE SUFFERING GIRLFRIEND OF THIS PARTICULAR FELLOW, WHO PRODUCED A DUMP, SO FOUL AND UNNECESSARY, THAT TO SMOKE WITHIN 50FEET OF THIS MONSTER CURLED UP IN THE PAN, WOULD HAVE RESULTED IN CERTAIN DEATH, WITH THE AMOUNT OF METHANE COMING OFF THE THING.. IT WAS LIKE A HUGE ANACONDA SLEEPING.... AND NEEDED HIS TRUSTY COAT HANGAR TO WRESTLE IT AROUND THE U BEND.. I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT A BROKEN COAT HANGAR WAS DOING IN HIS BATHROOM, AND NOW I KNOW.. AND THE NUMBER WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR I FOUND OUT WAS FOR DYNO-ROD DUBAI...JESUS MAN... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING, AND OBVIOUSLY A REGULAR OCCURRENCE WITH THE TOOL KIT AND EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBER TO HAND...LAY OFF THE EGG PROTEIN IS MY ADVISE, OR LIVE ALONE, AND NEVER EVER INVITE SOMEONE ROUND WITHIN 4 HOURS OF GIVING BIRTH......... I WONT EVEN GIVE THIS GUY A NAME, BUT TOM, PLEASE STRIKE A FUCKING MATCH!!!! AND I WAS TOLD BY THE POOR GIRL, YOU LIKE TO TRAP HER UNDER THE COVERS AT NIGHT.... WOW.. WHAT A CATCH.LADIES, FORM AN ORDERLY QUE FOR THIS CHARMER... LOLLLLLL....

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.....

AND NEVER FORGET, THE PALM IS WATCHING