You've never been to Jamaica you idiots.

Right, first my apologies to my readers who have asked me very nicely, and even appealed to my easily flatterd ego with huge compliments, to write some more observations through the eye's of moi, but unfortunately, my creative juices have not been cascading down from my grey matter and into my fingers, and finally on to my laptop, where i seem to amuse you guys with my sledgehammer delivery and caustic wit.



T'IS THE 29TH OF SEPTEMBER 2009



Anyway, whilst talking to my girlfriend on Skype 5 mins ago, she asked me had i written anything lately, to which i replied, ''of course i haven't, you are on my e mail list and would know, right''???..Wrong, she is many things, but attentative to her e mails is not one of her strengths, unless a large bottle of red or white wine, or any type of alchohol for that matter is promised if she opens her inbox, and guys, that is not a sexual ambiguos statement, but a reference to , oh come on, you know what i mean guys, and thats my girlfriend we are talking about here, so no witty remarks at the bottom...Sacred ground.... lol.



So, todays observation came from a brief scoot around facebook earlier and scanning peoples status updates, i was horrified at the amount of illteracy which has crept, no, scrub that, bulldozed its way into our everyday lives, and English had been replaced by a combination of patwa(jamaican slang, and text speak gobblygook). And the biggest culprits of this abomination are the Girls between the ages of 13 to 20, who it would seem are trying desperately to appear street cool, but are coming across as just cheap and remarkably stupid, considering the majority of them come from good homes with loving parents and a good education... Let me give you an example from a couple of random threads i looked at, and here is the first beauty to get the ball rolling.''Sumody tell mi sey yuh dida talk bout mi" which loosely translates into ''Somebody told me you were talking about me,'' and to follow a little further down we have this pearl of wisdom.''mi come here fi drink milk, mi noh come here fi count cow'' which again means if my Patwa, slang is up to much means, a reminder to conduct business in a straightforward manner, lol, which again in layman terms means, stop talking about me behind my back, and concentrate on your own life and dont bother yourself with mine.. Which is all good words of wisdom, but why oh why would an eductated white girl want to convey her message like that??

Fucko me, where did these deliquents learn to communicate like this, its certainly not on the streets of Kingston Jamaica, more like kingston in the stockbroker belt of Surrey, so why in all that is holy would you want to speak in such a manner.Let me tell you, its not cool, its fucking stupid, especially when the girls talking this shit are barely into their teens, and the next Jamaican accessory they will be picking up, if they are not carefull is a new born with a decent sun tan, with the brain surgeon, nasa rocket scientist of a father no where to be seen, especially in the dark.Literally as he will far to busy impregnating the next 14 year old starlet who dreams of acceptance, and thinks this is the golden ticket to the big show///Wrong again, its a one way ticket to a life of hardship... But hey, your life, royally fuck it up, why should i care???? Well, i do bloody care, and if the parents did a little more with the right approach through education, communication and discipline, it might just make a difference..



Another thread i stumbled across read like this.

''oh your so lovely BITCH you don't even know who the father of your own baby is, sket. luvaluva bombastic''
4 hours ago

anonymous, (to protect the author) replies
oh go home you smelly tramp. at least i dont have unprotected sex in a grave yard. NO.
4 hours ago


actualzzz love it waz in a church get it right mate, and at least I dident get licked out by a squirrel u nasty scrag watch wen I next c u
4 hours ago

err. LICKED OUT BY A SQUIRELL? at least i didnt have sex with a monkey whilst pkaying dirty with an elephant. you stupid sket. when you next see me? you'll have no face bbzz..Lovely.!!



What a beautiful way to communicate with each other, and this was between two girls who i know had a very good upbringing..and are no older than 14

What ever happened to . ''Hey, fancy coming swimming later?'' or ''shall we go the cinema''..You know, civil, normal, nice ......Nope sireeeee, thats just not cool, we are meeting in town, with our skirts short enough to see what colored thong we have on, like a pack of baying hyeenas to bully and intimidate anyone who talks wiv a posh voice, ennit.. . and to chat ole heep of sheet wiv each other innit.....LOL......





I can only imgine what it must be like for a parent to have to witness the transition from sweet innocent child to a teenager with raging hormones, developing body, drugs, alcohol, and Bob Marleys children knocking at their door to see if he can take her to the notting hill carnival.. I have all this to come i guess when i finally become a father myself, but i will guarantee the mother, the fruit of my loins will never convert from English speaking to rastafari street slang , not as long as i am in their lives ennit.

The world is off its fucking rocker, and i blame the parents for lack of discipline and taking their eyes of the ball when the game was in full swing.!!To steal a metaphor



MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.

The Evolutionary food chain..

A while back, i wrote a blog on the homeless, check the archives if you missed it, but basically it was loosely written on the random thoughts they obviously have, but cannot keep to themselves, so they shout incoherent nonsense at the top of their voices, even when the recipient is a mere yard away, which i have always found remarkably funny. Well, lying on the beach yesterday, i realized that its not just the homeless who like to shout, but those of a council flat mentality, whose IQ fall somewhere between a tomato plant, and a rocking chair.. At that moment, i realized indeed we are all part of an evolutionary food chain, like a Darwinian ladder if you like, and the process of natural selection a very real part of our existence..

Greetings, T'is the 5TH of August 2009.

OK, what i observed yesterday was interesting, with the rags of the homeless being replaced with a variety of England football shirts, both home and away, with the names of their heroes plastered across the backs. IE, Terry, as in John Terry, the English captain had been mis spelt, and the Y at the end of his name replaced with an i ,spelling it TERRI.. This made me think, who is more stupid, the kid who was wearing the shirt, or the idiot who stencilled the name of our English football captain, incorrectly onto this delinquents shirt, or the parents, who can see clearly what it says, but are unaware of this Faux pas... In the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is certainly king.

Anyway, i had the mis fortune to be lying next to a family of football wearing shirts, who could not say a word without screaming it, so the whole beach could enjoy the wisdom, wit and wonderment of these beautiful people, whose skin color resembled that of the exterior walls of the concrete jungles which they reside, namely Grey, grey and greyer, and they all had the same names, either Darren or Arron it would seem..

Aside from shouting at each other, their real talent appeared to be how much fast food they could make disappear, which was really impressive, as family bags of crisps, nuts, chocolate, and foot long Hot Dogs were polished off in world record time, whilst the rest of their social security hand outs was spent on Marlboro reds, the full fat version, which they all consumed between sittings of crisps and burger. A very polished performance i must say...

Question.. I wonder if these people are happy??....Is intelligence a curse, or a gift???... Or does the man with the most knowledge feel the most pain.. Interesting dilemmas.

The next episode on the beach consisted of Mr and Mr's anti social laughing at their son, who was throwing stones at the sea gulls.At first i thought they were chips he was throwing, but realized pretty quickly, those calories were not to be wasted ..( WHAT WAS I THINKING, A FAT KID DOES NOT THROW HIS LIFEBLOOD AT SEA BIRDS)..

This young moron, who in all honesty resembled a ginger colored mini bouncy castle, more than a human took great delight in hitting the gulls with his missiles, as the parents, whose own waist lines and arse's were the size of small villages cheered with delight and pride, as a particularly large object hit the bird on the head..... My immediate thoughts were, these are the kind of people that like to drown whole litters of kittens in bath tubs, or throwing them out of the windows of cars on fast moving roads.. Proper little Fred West's in the making...

The mother was so fat and had so many chins she looked like she was staring at you over a pile of pancakes, and the Father, who was no better, fell over getting out of the sea and rocked himself to sleep trying to get up, i kid you not... A fucking hilarity.

This got me thinking, Adolf Hitler got it all wrong with the persecution of the Jews, what he should have done was start his ethnic cleansing of those whose IQ fell below that of the amount of fingers and toes they were born with, then moved swiftly on to fat and lazy bums, finishing with ginger haired misfit's.. He would have certainly gained my vote..

And before you bombard me with e mails, stating they cant help it, its gland related, why they cant lose weight. Get the fuck out of here!!!.. Let me educate you. Not a single fat person has ever been documented whilst serving time in Auschwitz or Belsen,during the two world wars, nope sir'eee. Being fat is purely a mechanism of what they shove in their gobs, fact!!! and it a lack of discipline, nothing else....'' Well, they are big boned'', i hear you cry, and yes, you may well have a point, but its the big bones which are covered in meat and gravy which are the real culprits, and zero to do with the 206 bones which make up the human skeleton. Being fat is a choice. I am willing to conceded that 1% of the people who are obese have a medical condition, IE, under active thyroid etc..But that is it, the rest of them are just greedy, lazy eating machines..

Before i go on, i must draw your attention to this worthy cause i joined on Face book, and that is to get that awful pig of a Woman Theresa Winters, who has given birth to 13 children, each one taken away by social services sterilized.. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=216106360036. If you want to get involved.

I have not seen a more worthy cause than to rid society of this cabbage brained Woman, who abuses the right to be stupid every hour she is awake, and once again comes down to intelligence, or lack there of.

This single cell being is nothing but a drain on an already overloaded benefit system, and should be sterilised asap, to prevent further weakening of the human genome. Fucking common dung beetle. And i apologise to the dung beetle if i caused offence there with my comparison

The above brings me on to my last observation. If there is a God, he certainly has a warped sense of humour, Distraught, decent Women try whole lifetimes attempting to get pregnant, so they can adore ,cherish, and raise a child in a loving home and safe environment, teaching them as they grow the importance of moral code, ethics, and behavioural patterns which will ingratiate them into a welcoming society, but alas, cannot conceive for all the money and IVF in China,but the miracle of birth is given over and over to this monstrosity of a Woman..The big fella up in the clouds really does have a sadistic streak it would seem, which begs the question of his existence in the first place, and if you do believe, then good for you, faith is a wonderful thing, and guess what, i am running for Pope next time the position becomes available. Well, if you can believe in the omnipotent, mythical being who watches over us all with a big marker pen and clip board, ticking and crossing all that we do, then believe i can be the top guy in Rome, even though i am as catholic as the anti Christ himself.

Until the next time.... Laugh more,it really is the best medicine...

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.

Slap happy & why voting is futile...

Well, after a lengthy lay off, yours truly is back in the saddle, and ready to unleash my wrath and vitriol, in the best possible taste of course, onto this wonderful, but sometimes quite sick world of ours.

Greetings, T'is Saturday, the 25th of July, 2009.

What inspired me to write this evening was a phone mpeg( to the uninitiated, that's a movie clip) shown to me by a kid no older than 15, depicting some poor sod getting a right slap across his face as he sat on a bus, minding his own business and listening to an mp3 player, all very civil, and non threatening, and certainly doing nothing deserving of an open hand forehand smash in the chops, but sure enough, he got one, much to the delight of the baying hyenas masquerading as humans, and the biggest wanker of all, the phone holder who filmed the whole sorry incident.

Now, i love a wind up and a giggle with the best of them, but callous unprovoked violence does not fall under either category, and another example of how western culture has just disintegrated into a modern day cesspool of delinquency.... Now, what i am about to advocate, to some may suggest i am no better, but i am from the old school of an eye for an eye, which means, leave me alone, don't bother me unnecessarily, and we'll get on famously, but bother me or do me some harm without reason, then i will unleash a torrid dose of retribution which will make your head literally spin like a top.., Or you may even get to take a helicopter ride, but without the sight seeing benefits, if you get my drift.

Anyway, lets take a look at this fuck'd up pastime. I don’t really understand the name ‘Happy Slapping’ as there is fuck all ‘happy’ about it to me. You walk up to a stranger, slap them with an open hand in the face all while someone records it on there mobile phone and then you all run off. Brilliant, the cold winter nights must just fly by for these brain damaged council flat dwellers.

What gets me though is that we let these little fucks get away with it, people stand by and watch; we are a nation of cowards. People always say the same thing ‘they might have a knife’ Good! They will need an AK-47 each to stop us if we all retaliated at them and stopped fucking watching it happening....Honestly if you see two blokes about to Happy Slap someone, just wait, hold your position and as they do it just pounce on the bloke with the camera. I choose him because he will be so engrossed in trying to record it happening that he won’t see your fist flying towards his face, then jump up an down on his head a few times, don't worry, the other fella about to do the slapping will have run off the moment he See's his accomplice unconscious and bleeding with his mobile phone camera at his side, as useful as a chocolate fireguard.. Now, here's the funny bit, pull the unconscious fellas trousers and underpants down to his ankles, and get the original intended victim to film this scene, and all passers by to take a picture. Wake this semi naked idiot up and ask him ''now, how fucking happy are you'' after being happy slapped and soon to be paraded on you tube with his fun size mars bar on display for the world to laugh at..

Stand up for each other! Stop letting these little fucks run amok! Would this craze have taken off in the 80s? Not a chance! They would have been kicked to fuck by ten people seconds after it happened.We have become a nation of pc pacifists, who would rather take pity and try to understand why these excuses for human beings behave in such a manner, rather than strangle the life out of these no good tear aways.They are just breathing much needed oxygen, undeservedly, and would not be missed, aside from the delinquent parents who spawned these morons...

More horrifying is that in Scotland, where A Glasgow kiss is a game played by the whole family at Christmas time, where the kids attempt to head butt Granny's false teeth out much to the delight of the drunken relatives who applaud like Jackals.. Very civilized... Whereas we Normal folk ,south of the border like to play ''who wants to be a millionaire''.. A Glasgow, kiss by the way, is a term which describes a Person of Glaswegian descent, head butting you in the face as a greeting.., I have always preferred a simple Hello myself, but ho hum, each to there own colony..

Happy heed butting, as its known in Scotland, is rife i hear and public transport users have taken to wearing bicycle helmets or similar headgear to protect themselves from random acts of happy heed butts. God forbid you fall asleep on the no 37 bus to Strathclyde, you are doomed .Gangs of slack jawed nokia wielding youths are just waiting to pounce at the drop of an eyelid. Think yourself lucky its just slapping down South,in Scotland is become a crisis point. You can always tell a victim of happy heed butting by the large uncomfortable looking protrusions from their foreheads, So spare the poor jock's a thought...

The world has gone mad, and the people in it, madder than that.. My old man would love to see the birch reinstated and these thugs thrashed with a cat of nine tails in public, and for repeat offenders, good old hanging... LOL.. I always argued this was harsh, but Dad, i am coming around to your way of thinking...See how quickly this ridiculous pastime disappeared if they knew a fresh noose and a trap door awaited them... Easy.!!!!! So that's another problem solved by Johntomas....

We can say what we like about Dubai not being a democracy, but happy slapping or head butting is something i cant see catching on here. OK, we have the indignation of a few locals who like to shout into there nokia's at the cinema, or have their ring tones set to loudest with the latest Arabic scriptures wailing away whilst I'm trying to watch Tom Cruise nail Adolf Hitler in Valkyrie, but Head butting is something that wont be catching on.. Can you imagine the locals doing that with all that illustrious head gear they wear, There would be tea towels and night shirts flying everywhere.. Nope, ain't gunna happen, not around these parts...


NEXT......
Well, not sure if this one can be solved by hanging, or a damn good thrashing, but its a simple remedy none the less..

Politics, and voting.....

Politics is something i follow, as my readers will testify, but my belief systems are somewhat away from the main stream.But this never changes.'' whoever ends up in power, the result is always the same, we all get shafted and we end up hating the very person we put in to power.

The reasons for people being put into power are always things like ‘Oh he is a nice family man with good values’ and ‘he plans to save the NHS by investing millions.’''We will reinstate free dentistry, and provide white fillings for the people and stop poisoning the whole country with mercury filled killers'' BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH..
But, the bottom line is this, We always get shafted by whatever Government is in control, this is why i have never voted, and more likely to vote on the next series of X factor, a programme where the weary and bemused are wheeled out in front of a panel of multi millionaires to be snigger'd and laughed at,and totally embarrassed in front of the nation... than find me queuing with the sheeple at the local by- election for Oxford North... Would rather set my scrotum on fire quiet honestly..

The other baffling thing about the politics game are the strange people who come to my house and put leaflets through my door, bloody hell, they have got all sorts of facial growths and limps, and nearly always one of them has a pair of glasses on with lenses like jam jar bottoms. These people probably collect charity money just for kicks. These people are brainwashed, and if they had a brain of their own they would almost certainly have gone to Spec savers, and traded in those national health bi focals for a pair of acceptable viewing aids..

I found it quite funny when Bill Clinton was caught with his trousers down and his old chap somewhere near Monica's mouth, literally people were in uproar, ''how could he?’', he's the president''..Welcome to the real world, he's a man, with power,and rich, which makes him irresistible to the opposite sex, and that's what men do, president or not.They take advantage, whether its a willing girl, or a country which needs invading because they are awash with mineral deposits we need for the driving season.... Get with the programme, brainwashed morons..Politicians are not nice people, they are liars of the highest order, and cant lie in bed straight.

These are not nice little men, they are power hungry bastards. Think about it, ‘Nice’ people do not want to control the world, ‘Nice’ people do not go to war, they avoid it!

I will use a simple equation for politics, it goes like this:

POLITICS'S EQUALS BOLLOCKS....so don't waste your time voting for a party which will be effectively the same head on the hydra( look it up)!!Go and play golf or scuba dive, or take a picnic to the park, anything than stand like sheep shuffling towards the ballot box thinking you will make a difference, the truth is, you wont..

Until the next time....
MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.....

And thats the news.!!

Let me start by saying today's blog was going to be the most unpolitically correct i have ever written, and bearing in mind some of my readers find me controversial to say the least, it will be a belter,and will have people squirming on their sofa's.. Fat and Ginger people be warned, as it's the topic Du Jour!!...But, for another day, as i want to make a few comments, randomly and in no particular order about items i have stumbled across whilst speed reading the gutter press of my beloved UK.!!

T'is the 27th of June, 2009. Good evening from a beautiful Riga, (Latvia)surrounded by more women than you can shake a stick it, which is distracting, but pleasant never the less, so any typo's, don't chastise me, its the distractions...

First thing i want to mention is the stress levels which people are forever banging on about. Do me a favour and get a reality check, we live in a world of plenty, well everyone who reads this can certainly be categorized in this fortunate group, but Nope, it's official, we are now more stressed than in any time which proceeded us, as 13.5 million people took a day off work last year due to this new phenomena. Now, for the smokers out there, i can appreciate the stress you guys are under when flying long haul, or having to remove your fat arse's from your comfy pub chair to have a fag in the cold and rain, since our nanny state government introduced new laws which forbid you to light up, but tough titty, deal with it or give up. Stress needs to be renamed self pity, and we only have ourselves to blame.

Lets face it, we have only have to take a cursory look back through history to realize how self indulgent our modern society has become,

Can you imagine what it must have been like living through 2 world wars, when day and night raids of missiles rained down on our grandparents. Whole streets ,homes and livelyhoods were wiped out.

Did these brave unfortunates call 118 118 and ask for the nearest war counsellor asking for therapy?. Nope, they sparked up another fag and sang rule Britannia..I know that's an extreme example, but our forebears had something real to be anxious about, unlike our pampered fucking workers who scream sexist, racist, or any other isn't if it gets them a fat pay off for the incredible amount of stress they experience after Ray, the junior Clark has just told you what a great arse you have..And to compound this modern day cluster fuck, we are encouraged further by a stream of professional therapists an army of doctors, guru's, shamans, witch doctors and quacks that we are "victims" and need medication and therapy, and lifestyle changes before we can safely go back into the work space.. Get the fuck outta here, what a load of Bollox. We need to pull ourselves together, count our blessings, and stop fucking whinging like babies, and Man up, because if the western worlds workforce has really got into the habit of ringing in sick due to stress, every time their 14 year daughter tells you to fuck off.. God help us if we ever have to deal with a national crisis..

Next up, and again, full of PC NESS gone mad is a report from the UK that our finest cunt stables have been given American style Taser guns, which can administer 50,000 vaults a pop, which is more energy than Anja's dildo draws from the Dubai national grid...And that's a lot... .)

When you give power and authority attached to a uniform, it will inevitable be abused, especially if the twerp wearing it was the bullied fat kid who was ridiculed for pissing his pants in gym class, and is now out to reap revenge on the world..Well, someone akin to the above made the news this week for getting his gun off, not on an abusive lump of lard at closing time who refuses to leave and deserves a good kick in the throat i might add, BUT, wait for it..... A fucking sheep..loll

I jest you not. A sheep, in my educated opinion, does not have a propensity for violence, nor abusive behaviour, and can be coaxed from the middle of the road with a handful of hay or straw, and failing that, a kick up the backside will usually get the job done.. Well, our NAZI masquerading as a police officer with a back up of intellectually challenged robots straight out of police college shouting through fog horn loud hale rs,'' don't move or we'll shoot'', ''you are completely surrounded, lay down your horns''..

Well, the sheep apparently ba-aaargh'd a little to loud and spooked our finest, and in turn got it, both barrels so to speak and turned this furry road block into a Doner kebab. Fucking Morons, and we want to give these knob's guns.. Our streets would look like the Gaza strip if we ever do.

Power on an empty head, and one hell bent on revenge for a miserable childhood is a potent combination, and should at best be a traffic warden, and tax inspector, or a wheel clamper..All who in my opinion should be made to stand on the front line in Basra with nothing more than big fucking red targets on their chests....

Whilst we are talking about pc and red tape, and the police force.. An Osama BinLaden doppleganger(identical look-a-like) who took a job in Birmingham as a police recruitment officer is suing for racial discrimination because, and get this, his colleagues and friends teased him for looking like Shock horror er, Bin Laden.. Lol.. you could not make this shit up. No wonder 3 out of every 4 people polled have no faith or trust in our police force.. Bunch of power crazy wankers in my opinion..

Last in my cross hairs this evening is Our young and it role in society, and before i go any further, discipline starts at home, and kids should be bought up, not dragged up, so parents, its your responsibility to give your offspring the base and ethical morals needed to successfully graduate to a grounded, responsible adult.

Did you know that half the children under the age of six in the UK owns a mobile phone, what the fuck for??, when they can go nowhere without an adult at that age, and who are they going to phone, unless they have their counsellor on speed dial for times when mummy or daddy sends them to bed early, or to keep their friend updated via their baby blackberry's of their emotional status on face book or bebo...

Do the parents of these children look at their pride and joy and declare, ''my child will never grow up into a fully formed animal without the latest Iphone which glows pink in the dark, so they can wish their mates goodnight in text speak gobblygook before they hit the hay.

And, i am not joking about the glow in the dark phone aimed at kids, with two buttons, labeled mum and dad which puts them straight through with a single touch. How comforting to know you can expect a call from your spoilt brat between elementary kick boxing and how to wrap a turban in 3 easy moves for beginners.. THE world is off its rocker, as childhood is lost and been replaced by one long marketing ploy, attacking the guilt complexes of the parents who need to keep up with the baby Jone's and buy and provide all that their young desire as not to become a mini pariah at play school..

Kids as young as 5 are turning up at school wearing crop tops, mini skirts and lip gloss, and get this, hundreds of these little nightmares are being reported or expelled for sexual behaviour unbecoming of an infant.. Another wonderfully invented term from those social misfits down at the local council.

Listen, kids do not need a mobile phone, nor a tiny pair of Gucci loafers, nor a matching handbag with perfume which will make her irresistible to any pervert within 100 yards, or sniffing range, yet parents are buying this shit, and it would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

How can your kids grow up and make sensible choices about life if they are constantly surrounded by things they don't need.The only lesson they are learning is what you buy for them, not what you do for them.. Your kids need love, time and attention, not video conferencing from there bedrooms down to your laptop from upstairs, and they really would appreciate a bedtime story, not a text saying ''G'd nite, luv u xxx''

that's not even fucking English...

I could go on, but will save some vitriol for another day.....Until then,

Mind how you go....

May the palm be with you..

The Iranian Protests !!Another US Orchestrated Destabilization attempt

Greetings, t'is the 26th of June, 2009, and before i jet off to Latvia i will leave you guys with something of great importance...

I know many of you will find this blog to political, and therefore will cut short their attempts to read it in its entirety.No worries, we as individuals have that right, so at this point i will say goodbye to the shallow, material driven among us, who could not give a fuck what is happening in Iran, nor for that matter Pakistan, Iraq, or Afghanistan.. Go get your nails or hair done and find out who Paris Hilton has blown this week,( i believe its that mahogany colored prancing, primadona, Ronaldo) , or maybe read how the Mayor of London wears a toupee. Far more newsworthy, by intellectually challenged friends.. Susan & Faranak, i hope you read and enjoy, or despair, but i know you'll read this one.....


Tis

A number of commentators have expressed their idealistic belief in the purity of Mousavi, Montazeri, and the westernized youth of Tehran. The CIA destabilization plan, announced two years ago (see below) has somehow not contaminated unfolding events, and i am Bin Laden minus the facial furniture.

The claim is made that Ahmadinejad stole the election, because the outcome was declared too soon after the polls closed for all the votes to have been counted. However, Mousavi declared his victory several hours before the polls closed. This is classic CIA destabilization designed to discredit a contrary outcome. It forces an early declaration of the vote. The longer the time interval between the preemptive declaration of victory and the release of the vote tally, the longer Mousavi has to create the impression that the authorities are using the time to fix the vote. It is amazing that people don’t see through this trick.

As for the grand ayatollah Montazeri’s charge that the election was stolen, he was the initial choice to succeed Khomeini, but lost out to the current Supreme Leader. He sees in the protests an opportunity to settle the score with Khamenei. Montazeri has the incentive to challenge the election whether or not he is being manipulated by the CIA, which has a successful history of manipulating disgruntled politicians.

There is a power struggle among the ayatollahs. Many are aligned against Ahmadinejad because he accuses them of corruption, thus playing to the Iranian countryside where Iranians believe the ayatollahs' lifestyles indicate an excess of power and money. In my opinion, Ahmadinejad's attack on the ayatollahs is opportunistic. However, it does make it odd for his American detractors to say he is a conservative reactionary lined up with the ayatollahs.

Commentators are "explaining" the Iran elections based on their own illusions, delusions, emotions, and vested interests. Whether or not the poll results predicting Ahmadinejad's win are sound, there is, so far, no evidence beyond surmise that the election was stolen. However, there are credible reports that the CIA has been working for two years to destabilize the Iranian government.

On May 23, 2007, Brian Ross and Richard Esposito reported on ABC News: “The CIA has received secret presidential approval to mount a covert “black” operation to destabilize the Iranian government, current and former officials in the intelligence community tell ABC News.”

On May 27, 2007, the London Telegraph independently reported: “Mr. Bush has signed an official document endorsing CIA plans for a propaganda and disinformation campaign intended to destabilize, and eventually topple, the theocratic rule of the mullahs.”

A few days previously, the Telegraph reported on May 16, 2007, that Bush administration neo con fuck head, terrorist and warmonger John Bolton told the Telegraph that a US military attack on Iran would “be a ‘last option’ after economic sanctions and attempts to foment a popular revolution had failed.”

On June 29, 2008, Seymour Hersh reported in the New Yorker: “Late last year, Congress agreed to a request from President Bush to fund a major escalation of covert operations against Iran, according to current and former military, intelligence, and congressional sources. These operations, for which the President sought up to four hundred million dollars, were described in a Presidential Finding signed by Bush, and are designed to destabilize the country’s religious leadership.”

The protests in Tehran no doubt have many sincere participants. The protests also have the hallmarks of the CIA orchestrated protests in Georgia and Ukraine. It requires total blindness not to see this.

Daniel McAdams has made some telling points For example, neoconservative Kenneth Timmerman wrote the day before the election that “there’s talk of a ‘green revolution’ in Tehran.” How would Timmerman know that unless it was an orchestrated plan? Why would there be a ‘green revolution’ prepared prior to the vote, especially if Mousavi and his supporters were as confident of victory as they claim? This looks like definite evidence that the US is involved in the election protests.

Timmerman goes on to write that “the National Endowment for Democracy has spent millions of dollars promoting ‘color’ revolutions . . . Some of that money appears to have made it into the hands of pro-Mousavi groups, who have ties to non-governmental organizations outside Iran that the National Endowment for Democracy funds.” Timmerman’s own neocon Foundation for Democracy is “a private, non-profit organization established in 1995 with grants from the National Endowment for Democracy (NED), to promote democracy and internationally-recognized standards of human rights in Iran.”

Rest assured, the Zionist shadowy cabal is hard at work here, destabilizing Iran to propel their own agenda, which is just another stepping stone to a totalitarian super state, which has been the goal for hundreds of years, and rapidly gaining pace of late, as the spiritual awakening around the planet is forcing the Illuminati to remove the glove from the iron fist, and to push back this uprising against the Orwellian nightmare they have in store for us. We are in for some very uneasy times in the run up to 2012, but ultimately, the Good will overcome the malevolent, but button down the hatches, and get that tin hat out, as we are on a collision course with the powers that have planned this new world order, and the one world everything, including a one world banking, army, government and currency, and will not give up their quest without a mega fight....

Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, North Korea, the list will continue to grow, as the agenda gathers pace.. Watch this space kids, i will always deliver the hurt, unabashed, and untainted. Believe this or not,that's your choice. Like i said at the beginning, i could not give a fuck WHO OR WHAT YOU BELIEVE, but apathy is the greatest weapon these satanic fuck wits have, and doing nothing and believing the official version of events relayed through the Illuminati controlled media news channels is exactly what this neo Nazi wanna be state wants, and needs to succeed..... Don't let this happen...

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME

ITS BEEN EMOTIONAL.

Update on OBAMA/Blair/Pakistan..

Greetings, T'is Thursday 18th of jUNE 2009

Just a quick recap on what i wrote back in Jan 2009..

Read carefully, and tell me what i wrote is not coming to pass..

I take no joy from being correct with my thoughts, and really wish i could perform this bizarre sexual ritual along the shoreline beach, which i stated i would do if i was wrong, but alas, what i wrote has since materialized, and just last week, i read Blair was being primed for the president of a European Super state.. I almost chocked on my scrambled eggs, i kid you not..

And the media war against Pakistan, which will justify an attack, started months ago, but is gaining momentum.. If you still cant see this Rob,Slice you are walking around blind without a cane pal.

,

Ti's Monday, 26Th of JAN 2009
Good afternoon ladies & germs,
A very quick one today, in response to the Obama seduced optimists..
I am willing to concede that i am a huge conspiracy theorist, and all my observations, statements, research for the last 15 years is a result of my paranoia and brainwashing from the dis infomationalists, IFFFFF.. the world after another 2 to 3 years becomes a peaceful, loving place to live, with economic hardship drifting into obscurity, and a booming happy environment for the next generation thriving...
With sovereign states retaining their status, and not becoming a part of the global push for a one world government, army, and currency, all controlled by a single world banking system, which if you cant see with your own eyes is happening, I will change my name to John Le shitski by deed pole, stand on my head naked with a huge hard on whilst singing Star spangled banner in the middle of the shoreline beach on a weekend, then, for an encore i will insert or attempt to insert my fist in my Arse....

On the other hand,( and not the one i will use for the above act of self harm)) if my vision and Obama Modus operandi proceeds the way i have forecast, and the world is pushed towards a new world order, with this global big brother agenda, being introduced on the back of more theatrical wars, more bogey men flashed across your screens, like Bin Laden/Saddam/ et al to collectively brainwash the masses with a constant barrage of key words like Weapons of mass destruction... Al Queda..... terrorists, like a mantra on a continual loop from the Illuminati controlled media empires, to justify more and more attacks on countries which possess assets that the USA need to retain economic supremacy.

You will see a media frenzy against Pakistan, with news events depicting terrorist cells causing chaos throughout the region, with car bombs, suicide bombers, etc, and a fresh claim that Pakistan is harbouring Bin Laden, holed up in some obscure cave, but has state of the art equipment which the CIA cant trace, whilst controlling and funding terrorist camps and Al Queda operations the world over, and he is in bed with all the Pakistani no gooders plotting the destruction of the western world.. The CIA/NSA/MI5 can read the time from my wrist watch from any country in the world via super spy satellites, but cant pick up Mr Laden's whereabouts, nor track his communications trail...

Maybe he's using carrier pigeons to fool the might of the western secret services, or maybe, just maybe, it has fuck all to do with him, and like Saddam, he is a mere patsy, the mythical Bogey man needed to substantiate another attack on a country outstripping the USA economically, and a great need to destabilize the whole India/Pakistan/AND China region, which is in fact there real target for destabilization....

I know this is a scary doomsday scenario, but a very real possibility in the next few years in my humble opinion, OK, not so humble, but my opinion never the less, and i will be very happy to announce myself as a conspiracy theorist if none of the above materializes within 2 years from today..
Whilst we are talking politics, i truly believe that The Illuminati/bilderberger/tri-lateral commisionist and our ex prime minister, The lying, deceitful, fuck stick...Tony Blair will be heading up a European government, which will be introduced sooner, rather than later, which again will be a stepping stone towards a world governing body...The one world, new world order my friends is not a dream or conspiracy, this is where they are taking us..Blair was happy to leave a sinking ship, and hand the reigns of power over to Brown, knowing full well, this personality zombie would fail miserably to revive an already fucked UK, which in turn would elevate Blair unopposed into the head seat of the European super state..

Mark my words, this will happen, and if not, i want only this....The doubters out there, like SLICE, and many others of my closed minded friends and believers of what sky/cnn/fox/bbc., and the daily papers tell them, and believe the shit that is no more than a programmed illusion....But, when my vision turn out to be a reality i Want you doubting Thoma's to say....
You Know what John Tomas.... you were right all along
....( Also i have no desire whatsoever to be placing my fist where the sun has never shone)..nor revealing to the residents on the palm, a Johnson the size of a babies arm, holding a plum..... whilst stood on my head.....Sorry ladies, and for the gay guys reading, my apologies extend to you also.. You see, an equal opportunity's writer.)
WATCH THIS SPACE, AS TIME WILL BE MY JUDGE AND JURY....

Worried wealth & the trouble with money

Its obvious from today's title that the world has gone mad, when the wealthy of the world complain about having it hard, and struggling to come to terms with having gazillions of dollars at their disposal, but indeed they do, or so it would seem from the never ending barrage of articles which substantiate such an incredible statement.

Greetings readers, its 4Th of June, 2009 AD. and for me, that means After Domino's pizza which i have just consumed, and zero to do with that mythical being, who was anthropomorphised in the bible

for those with a limited IQ, or those of a lazy disposition, i have explained the meaning below

Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena., IE, in this case, of astrological symbolism

But the Humanoid form which was attributed to old JC, but based purely on a pagan ritual of the winter solstice and interplanetary phenomena.. OK, wont elaborate further on that, as it will take me 5000 words to do it justice, but for those genuinely interested in the story of Jesus, and many other prophets and saviors, may i recommend ZEITGEIST., THE MOVIE..(just tap it into google, and enjoy..and remember this, perplexity is the beginning of knowledge..AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !!!.

OK, back to the topic at hand..The fortunate who are misunderstood..Lets take a deeper look into the world of the wealthy, and the troubles that associates itself to a privileged bank account.

According to a recent survey, which concurs with my own research, less than half of today's rich are content, and claim that wealth has not made them happy, in fact, a whopping 20percent of woman millionaires claimed their wealth had made them more unhappy and created more problems than it solved.(THERE'S A SHOCKER. Women are only truly happy when they have something to fucking moan about..lol) Can you imagine a pre menstrual multi millionaire, with all that power and arrogance,Jeez Louisee, Fred and Rosemary West babysitting is less stressful...

It must be so hard, with multiple homes to keep and manage,staff to oversee and a flood of new bills to pay, from plumbers, interior designers, art restorers and jewelry advisers to gardeners and tennis coaches, whilst living in constant fear of losing it all on the financial markets, which has become a very real possibility, when these very markets are rigged and manipulated in such a way, and designed to gobble up your inheritance, or hard earned cash..

Levels of financial comfort are another area in which the Richistani's, and before you raise any eyebrows at my racist slurs, that word is not an elaboration or anything to do with Pakistani's who have made a few quid,through property, or corner shops etc etc, but a term coined to categorize the rich and fortunate, and its interesting to know that no matter how wealthy these people are, they do not feel secure and need double what they are worth. Ie, if you are worth 1 million the 2 million is the figure which is claimed to give them the security they need, and if a personal fortune of 10 million has been reached, then 20 million is the figure this particular group needs to be secure, so they chase deals or opportunity's one after another hoping one day to become top dog, awaiting the tranquility that never arrives.. I would call them greedy fucking bastards, and not richistanis, buts that's how i roll... So Share the wealth my good friend Rob(slice), and i will share the spiritual enlightenment, and evolvement of the soul through love and caring.. , This in essence is real giving, as you give little when you give of your material possessions.Its when you give of yourself, you truly give...A fair trade me thinks in this emotionally crippled world we live in..For those pearls of wisdom my long fingered friend, a 10% flat fee of your worldly income should suffice, and it saves you giving it to the church, or a home for senile cats..Deal???

So, all that worrying has made this elite bunch especially anxious, so much in fact, that they have started to form wealth support groups, who meet regularly for Breakfast around the posh eateries and hotels of which ever area they live in, BUT, and its a big but, almost like a j-LO/Kim Kardashian collaboration, and that's a fucking humongous Butt.., a seat at this particular table will cost you North of 1o million Dollars, which is the lowest entry point into these elitists support groups, where you can get advise and direction from your fellow peers on anything which is bothering you, from Hedge fund returns, stocks, private equity deals etc etc, but also on personal issues involving family, friends, wives, girlfriends, pretty much like an AA meeting where the new guy will stand up and announce his name to the group,who in return welcome him with a joint spouting of ''Hi'' followed by his name The guy then spills his guts about all and sundry, and i hear it can get quite emotional. Point in case. This new guy, lets call him Frank, confides that his relationship with his daughter has become strained and distant, as he dedicates the majority of his time to work and Golf, but now he wants to get it back on track..One of the learned elders of the group suggests he take her for breakfast every Saturday morning to re-connect.. (Did someone just ring for American Bullshit??)

The father took this miraculous advise and reports back that this amazing idea has transformed his relationship, and through many tears hugs this enlightened soul who suggested such a radical idea, and the whole room was crying, ''It was such a powerful moment'' Frank claims. I kid you not, these fuck wits who pay 30,000 dollars a year to sit around and discuss such fucking nonsense amaze me, and a fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the 1st place..Needless to say,this event took place in the good old US OF A..The bullshit capital of the world

If your interested Frank, I have some wonderful beach front land in Zambia for sale at a bargain price, and i will throw in some real gems to help you connect again with your dysfunctional family.(let me know).

Whilst you morons worry about which particular Californian Orange goes best with a particular Danish pastry, millions of innocent children are dying around the world through lack of clean drinking water.Check and reality are 2 words which spring to mind, but not necessarily in that order..So man the fuck up,wipe away those crocodile tears, and do some good with all that money, instead of paying 100's of thousands a year to elitist all male clubs which promote nothing other than a self fulfilling agenda, Use what common sense you were born with and make a difference.

I am neither wealthy, nor poor, but i have something which money cannot buy, and that is peace and Love, which i have in abundance, as i love and am loved freely by friends and family around me which i am eternally thankful for.. I will leave you with a thought of mine, if you spend your life worrying about money bringing you happiness, then your ability to be happy without it is rendered null and void. If you know how to spend less than you get, you have found the philosopher's stone..

Until the next time, keep smiling, be happy and evolve higher and higher....

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU

Not tonight Darling, im sleeping.!!

Guess who's back?. C'est Moi!!!.
It's been a fair while since I last tapped the keys, so long in fact, I will have to check which topic I discussed..Ahh, yes, now I remember, I was very complimentary about our Russian friends.)

T’IS FRIDAY THE 29TH OF MAY 2009

Well, tonight's subject matter has nothing to do with race, country, creed nor colour, but I think it deserves debating as it affects most of us, at some point in our lives.

As life gets ever more difficult, with the world’s economy in disarray, holding down or keeping a job becoming almost an impossibility, and life in general moving at a million miles an hour, time seems to just dissipate, and I truly believe that time is no longer what it used to be.

As we hurtle towards 2012, the vibrational frequency's we resonate on, and human evolvement has become quicker and faster to the point where the days, months and years, although still the same as they ever were, have gotten shorter and shorter. Now, I know that’s a bold statement, and one that Stephen Hawking could better explain, as long as he has his toy with him which he sticks in his neck whenever he needs to amaze us with his giant intellect, but one does not have to ask the most intelligent dalek on the planet to comprehend this fact, just ask anyone around you, and they will understand the concept very clearly.. Time is just not what it used to be, which brings me on to tonight’s discussion point.....

Has sleep become the new sex...

In a recent survey, which we brits just love to read and get involved with, suggested that 80 per cent of Britons, men included, would choose a good night's sleep over a night of passion, which if I am honest, does not surprise me.

Life, and especially married life, with Kids to look after, mounting bills to pay, uncertainty abound in the professional arena, and a whole list of mundane chores to fulfil, I’m not surprised that the bed has become very much a place to sleep and recover, than a place to rein act the Karma Sutra, Although it does surprise me that The old British male pride allowed himself to be honest enough to admit this, when 'for men it's still a matter of male pride to at least pretend to be a stud, who can bang away 5 times a night, and these days women are expected not only to be the perfect wife, mother and career woman but also a whore at bedtime who had better remember ‘’who her Daddy is’ whilst biting lumps out of the pillow case, but in fact are wishing it would all be over, so she can roll over and get some much needed recuperative shut eye.

But the truth is, we are just too tired to have a grope and engage in any type of sexual activity when the lights go out, we are all to fuck’d ,not literally of course, but we don’t have the energy after a normal day which included commuting to the office for 3 hours, fighting with the kids and wrestling them into their school uniforms which they moan about incessantly , cooking, shopping, or the worry of paying those ever mounting bills. Foreplay and sex is just not cost effective anymore, and the daily list of things to do has ‘’engage in fantastic sex’’ at the bottom, which is the 1st one to fall off in today’s modern world.

And on the rare occasion that the hormones of both parties are racing around like Michael Schumacher on speed, it’s quite a passion killer as one of your young offspring runs into the bedroom and asks ‘’what’s Daddy’s head doing buried between Mummy’s parted thighs’’. The creative juices needed to explain that away will dry up quicker than your disappointed partner’s most sacred body part.

All of the above is hardly the Aphrodisiac’s needed for a satisfying rumble in the hay so to speak, which is all quite ironic, as lack of sex can often be cited in divorce cases, and if you’re not fucking your husband, then someone else probably is, and guys, don’t think your Wife or girlfriend is sat at home when you’re out working. Your sex life may be a complete non entity within the marriage or relationship, and indeed sleep is the preferred option, but the excitement of the illicit affair supersedes all of the above reasons for not screwing your partner.

This brings me to growing phenomena called sex somnia where 1000’s of us are enjoying fulfilling sex whilst we sleep and the snoregasm is rapidly taking over from the orgasm, hence the half smile perpetually on the lips of your partner as he/she enjoys the sexual fantasy of choice during REM sleep..

At least dreaming about sex is better than actually falling asleep during sex with your partner which is also not as rare as you think..

On that sombre note, I will finish up by saying this. Find quality time with your partner to engage in this most wonderful of natures gifts, because on check out from this mortal coil I don’t know a person alive who would state that ‘’I wish i had slept more and had less sex’’

Until the next time, ‘’MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU’’

I'LL HAVE A PINT OF CLASS PLEASE..

Good afternoon from sunny UK, on this glorious early summer's day.

As i sit sipping a pint of extra cold shandy with my lap top in front of me, i am scanning the beach for points of interest, which for me is usually people, interacting in their idiosyncratic way with one another, or with themselves.Our behavior, whether conscious or not, gives away so much, like a pantomime, and we can learn so much from just thin slicing events which unfold in front of our eyes perpetually on a daily basis, especially when ascertaining the character traits of fellow homo sapiens we meet.

We must learn to trust our intuition, as the 1st impressions are often the correct ones, but we have lost that ability, or we have become to polite to follow what we know to be correct.....OK, sometimes we are wrong, as every rule has an exception, but thin slicing is an art we are all skilled in, and it will, above all keep you safe,so trust it, and don't suffer fools gladly....

T'is Sunday, 1oth of May 2009......... GREETINGS....................................................................

Today i want to take a look and make a few observational comments about the Eastern Block, specifically the Russian's.Now having lived in Dubai now for the last 2 years, i can spot one from the next county, and have 1st hand knowledge of certain ways which is unique to them.

Being British, we have moaned incessantly about the Germans whilst abroad, who's anti social behaviour, and contempt for anything not German is well documented and make terrible bed fellows,for just about anyone, mainly because when they are around, there are no fucking beds of any type to enjoy the sun, as Hanz and Fritz have set their alarm clocks for daft o clock in the morning, and whilst every other sane person is still dreaming of a day in the sun, they have nipped down to the beach and covered half the beach with crisp, efficient towels,..Vorsprung Dork Technik mother fuckers they are, but, pale into insignificance, and incomparable with the rudeness of Boris and Ivan, and his family of Designer badge wearing loin cloths...

On the beach where i spend a lot of my time, i have 2 chairs which i keep, clearly marked..PRIVATE, with my house number on them, and messages down the side in clear black marker pen.''for fuck sake, keep off you thieving Gypsy's'', But to no avail. Every day i wake and look out the window, Some Russian, at least 65 years old with the arse the size of St Peters burg, wearing a D&G thong has sprawled herself all over it, with a leopard print towel, which is extremely offensive and insulting to my chair, draped all over it..

On the other chair is either 3 family members, with matching Prada sun glasses, and horrific bikinis with more labels than sainsbury's on them, or Louis Vuitton beach bags by the dozen,packed with God knows what, but being Dubai, probably ill gotten cash which needs a good wash, and i don't mean in the sea!!or AK47's, or both....

So i have this groundhog behavioural pattern of telling them daily that the chairs belong to me, which results in much disgruntlement and shouting and foot stomping, and I'm sure, if i was not in Dubai, one of those bags would have been ripped open, and would be staring down the barrel of a semi automatic weapon..

Even the women have special forces tattoo's depicting another human being torn apart by horses running in different directions.. I'm sure most of the Russians in Dubai are ex KGB or Spetsnaz, But boy they spend dough, like a lord Rothschild with a fortnight to live..(although, with Rothschild being Jewish, he is more likely to be cryogenically suspended, until the technology to bring him back has been invented, so he can spend his shekels all over again on himself,rather than spend lavishly)..Just a thought....

I understand the majority of them had it hard growing up. We Brits moan when we have to cue for ten Min's, but these guys had to cue for 75years for a loaf of bread, and the most popular pastime was eating lumps of concrete, or wiping out the next village,so the world understands, Honest.....Tongue firmly in cheek......

But that gives you no excuse for your dress sense.

What is it with the guys wearing costumes like speedo's, but without style and so much tighter.

Still, they are better dressed than their wives/Girlfriends. Ladies,Only Peter String fellow wears a thong in today's modern world, OR, a size 8 with a flawless, Brazilian derriere.Not when you are nudging 80 years of age, nor nudging 100kilo's at 1.5meters..Its not a good look, trust me.

Now, there are without doubt some stunning Eastern Block Girls in Dubai, but they don't come cheap, either for a night of scrabble, ( Dubai code)..or a trophy partner, which will cost you the proverbial arm, leg, and another arm to keep her running off with a bigger wallet than yours..

At the Atlantis water park a few weeks ago, i was lying in my tyre after an invigorating ride down one of the exciting water slides, when i looked up and saw a Pamela Anderson type on steroids. The 1st thing i focused on was her lips, which were pumped so full of collagen, she looked like an Orangutan, with a pony tail, and i do mean her facial lips, not those which resemble a camels toe, which I'll get to in a bit....Further down, her bikini top did little to conceal the most enormous pair of Saline/silicon breasts which defied gravity and all other Newtons laws. On her shoulder she had tattoo of a great white shark eating a babies head, which was a nice touch, and a pair of legs which went on forever, but all that was spoilt by her ''don't you dare look in my direction'' type scowl, which was difficult, bearing in mind the circus freakishness proportions of her Jessica rabbit body, and a bikini you could use as a hair band...Coupled with the unnerving fact that her boyfriend, also sporting a tattoo of two bulldozer's running over some peaceful protesters, and a weapon concealed in his speedo's, and not the weapon we men piss out of...i calmly looked the other way and bumped into another Russian Women, who was the antithesis, aesthetically of our aforementioned Bimbo. This one had obviously eaten so much Pizza, she had begun to look like one, and was bigger than the tractor tyre she was sitting in..I said sorry, but not a flicker of emotion, or an acceptance of my apology, which brings me back to the Germans.

At least they will engage you in conversation, and apologise for their countries conduct in the war,As for the Russians, they still think they are fighting it.....But the Karki and jack boot has been replaced by Something Vesarce created whilst on a coke and acid binge.

Style. grace, and class is a natural state,which cannot be acquired, nor purchased..and it matters not one jot how many speed boats you ski behind Boris.. or how many Ferrari's you race down the Sheik Zayed road.. You may have more rubles than Nigeria's national debt, but you will never buy good manners, nor social integration. The cold war finished years ago, but the cold attitude is as frosty as ever...

Until the next time, thank you and good night.

MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU.

JOHNTOMAS RIDES AGAIN.

Hello hello... and welcome back after a long sabbatical.

No real reason other than nothing topical to write about, and don't want to become a writer who's observations become as interesting as walking on cracks in the pavement, so.. Here we go!!!

T'IS FRIDAY, THE 1ST OF MAY 2009................................

Lets start proceedings with something topical, and indeed, end with something topical, and in the middle, a couple of random events and happenings on my journey during this mortal coil.

Any moment now, the American/British/Israel war machine, with its ILLUMINATI owned news channel's, IE, Fox, CNN, sky, BBC will wheel out a bin laden lookey- likey, complete with glued on beard,An over sized white shirt and traditional head gear, supporting an American made automatic weapon, but actually firing camel shit out of a catapult, aimed at a weather balloon owned by NASA..

This tape will then find its way onto AL Jazeera,via the Orwellian news channels, and will be credited as legitimate, again, by an antiquated CIA/NSA puppet expert, with odd looking bi focal's,a bow tie, and a hair do from the 50's..

Footage from bin laden's new cave dwelling lair, conveniently within the Pakistan borders , will accompany the footage which will justify killing another million innocents, and a full invasion of another sovereign nation.. Got to love the true axis of evil.. USA/ISRAEL ZIONISTS AND THE GOOD OLD UK..

The moral here is, '' never let the truth stand in the way of a good story'', or better still, a good old fashioned invasion, and the mass murder of squillions of innocents, under the auspicious, but not for the targeted ,umbrella of national security and world safety. If that isn't a great example of oxymoronic principles, then i am the Dalai Lama..

On a far lighter note, i recently went for a massage, as the stresses of snorkeling, go karting and playing football, oh, and volleyball, has taken its toll.

So ,on arrival i took a phone call from my girlfriend who wanted to know which gender would be laying there healing hands on me.

Now, I'm not homo phobic in the slightest, but the thought of a sweaty muscular fellow covered in man hair massaging my hamstrings , groins and lower abdomen is not my idea of relaxation, nor enjoyment..But equally, the thought of a flip flop(Filipino) nymphet sliding her hands under my towel intermittently, makes me girlfriend feel equally nervous, so i had to make a compromise.

I told her i was having a full Thai massage which involved an adult walking up and down my back, and not at all sexual, and nothing to worry about, other than the welfare of my spine.. She agreed only if a 1 meter high circus midget would be the person doing the walking..

Of course i agreed,as every massage parlour has one of these down in the basement, A-la the pulp fiction gimp, who gets released every time a jealous girlfriend feels insecure..

And to steal a phrase from my former paragraph, never letting the truth get in the way of a good story, i agreed to her request, and i laid back and enjoyed the warmth and relaxation that only a 21 year old former Thai beauty queen can give, ( female, may i add, in case there was any uncertainty in that last sentence)... See picture above for clarity.....

45 Min's later i was in a semi comatose state, and realised i had pitched a tent, to my surprise, but not hers it would seem.

She asked me if i would like a ''happy ending''.. I thought, how could she be interested at a time like this in telling me a bedtime story, but soon found out the happy ending she was talking about did not involve 3 bears of differing size, but the porridge certainly made an appearance.)

Driving home from a bar last week, i was pulled over by the lovely fascist Nazi fuck wits, the good old British police Cuntstable, in fact a pair of Cuntstables.
As a non drinker, i had nothing to worry about, but i like to play games as anybody knows me will clearly testify, so i thought i would have a giggle with her majesty's finest

i said in a slobbering, drunken voice..Good ''cuntsternoon afterball, i dront dink'', replying to predictable opening salvo of , '' have we had a drink''.. (whats all this fucking we business when they can see i am clearly alone???).. They cant even speak their mother tongue correctly.

I repeated ''No, we have not!!''.. smirking ,as i repeated his stupid illiteracy.
He then decided to piss me off by producing a bag and said'' would you mind blowing into this bag''?... I answered immediately, ''why, are your chips to hot''?.

''funny sir, but no, this is serious, as this bag will tell me if you have had to much to drink''.
'That's a coincidence'' i said, ''As i have an old bag at home who can tell me that as well''.....

''Hey Rob'', the brain dead houseplant whispered to his equally brain dead, George Bushesq partner.. ''This guy thinks he's a comedian''...

''i think nothing of the sort'' i said, i know i am!!''

The boys in blue then threatened me with arrest, for what i don't know, but being a smart arse, i politely reminded them of section 25 of the pace act, and that doing that would result in a probable disciplinary for them both...

At that point, steam could be seen visibly escaping from both ill fitted collars of these 2 rottweilers with badges, who then realised i was stone cold sober, and had been winding them up from the 1st second,and proceeded to save face with various boring tactics and veiled threats, which i wont bore you with.

Needless to say, we both went our separate ways, me laughing, and they swearing revenge no doubt. So if you read in the paper anytime soon that a car in my possession was found with 5 kilo's of Columbia's finest or a bale of weed which could choke a dozen donkeys on, you'll know its a set up, and i would be grateful for a protest and lobbying for the release of johntomas666. cheers!!!.

Lets end on a really topical event, as i like to be at the fore front of newsworthy happenings, and this topic is THEE hottest ticket in town right now...

SWINE FLU!!!!!

The very name is striking fear into the hearts of the masses and sheeple, who are, as we speak, rushing to the local builders yard, scooping hand fulls of paper masks, and disinfectant, whilst simultaneously calling their GP's on the mobile , insisting on a shot of Tamiflu, for the whole family..... ''Calm the fuck down please''

Let me explain.

Ignore these Government health warnings, and scare mongering tactics, which are nothing more than the classic magician's mis direction technique they use when wanting to propel something far more sinister into place, whilst keeping our minds occupied with an impending crisis...

So, If you are experiencing symptoms like Bad breath, sweaty and smelling underarms, with an increasing fear of Pigs..Do not panic.....You do not have swine flu, Your just a Paki..

ROB ,ERIN, GLYN, KARIS, ANGELA..... Debate that fucker...lolllllllllllllllll

Much love, thank you and .goodnight

MIDGETS, DWARFS AND VERTICALLY CHALLENGED

Good Evening.... Its certainly been a while. Developed a bad case of writers cramp these past 2 weeks, and my creative juices dried up like my old mate moisters seed looking for an egg to impregnate.
Never mind, back on the horse now, and will share with you a political correct thought i had today whilst reading on the beach....

Ti's Tuesday, 14th of April, 2009........

Couldn't help but notice today as i relaxed with a good book, a vertically challenged fellow walked past me, and almost banged his fucking head on my sunbed, which i must say made me chuckle inside, and i may have laughed outwardly, of that i cant be sure, but I'm pretty positive i did, as I'm not the most PC guy in the world, and peoples mis-fortunes offer up some of the funniest moments we experience..

That's why you tube has become a modern day phenomena.. The youth of today no longer climb tree's, nor play ball games, as they are to busy watching people setting there pubic region alight, falling off skateboards from garage roof's or losing limbs in high speed motor bike crashes, or better still, swapping telephone files of some poor kid getting happy slapped by a bunch or moronic fuck wits, all in the name of observational humour... Peoples mis fortunes are funny, hence why this little midget made me laugh...

It must be awful i know, walking around , staring your whole life at crutches of both male and female, as 3foot is about the height of your average midget, and also around the average height of most peoples crutch's( I PERSONALLY WOULD SAY, THAT WOULD BE A POSITIVE, IN AN OTHERWISE MISERABLE EXISTENCE)....Poor little sods, in the genetic game of poker, they have been dealt a hand like a foot...

But there are some positives, for instance, If they are unlucky enough to come home from midget heaven, or where ever it is they work and have forgotten or mis laid there house keys, They can always get in through the cat or dog flap, something we cant do, so, not all bad.....

Also, proportionately, they are pound for pound stronger than grizzly bears, and can fuck like jack rabbits, these little men,as they are always horny,supposedly,( not sure who came up with those facts, but who am i to dis-believe the poll takers)....Who these dwarfs are fucking to attain this status i have not a scooby, and something which interests me, so anyone out there who has fucked a dwarf, i would love to interview you.. RANDOM STRANGER and Connor perhaps if your keen to talk to your intrepid writer....i am truly intrigued..

This brings me onto my idea, and cant be sure its original, and since found out through my useless research its not , But before i continue.. Read on.

Interesting fact 1: On average, 34 people per day find article's on this subject by typing phrases into Google like 'midget porn' and the like, occasionally mixed with words like 'goat' or 'satan' just for kicks. If you're one of these terrifying weirdos please note this blog is not for you. Seriously, get the hell out because i don't want you here, you scary bastards...... Fred wests Blog from prison is a good read, and How to stay out of the sun by Fritz' the dungeon's daughter ,is another blinding insight, so off you go, serial killers in waiting..

I'm talking about Midget throwing as a sporting spectacle, which i thought would be fun on the beach.. So i thought i would do some research on it before i started drawing huge Dart board like images in the sand,and propelling these tiny unfortunates towards the 200 point bulls eye.

Perhaps it's a sign of the times. Perhaps I have finally gone crazy. I've spent all night looking at flying dwarfs. There's a story to this - you may have seen or not an article called, 'The A-Team - Then And Now.' After putting that particular masterpiece online, I read through it and one sentence in particular leapt out at me: "Mr T (remember him) is winner of the World's Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing (since outlawed.)" Dwarf Tossing?! That sounds amazing! I just had to find out more!!, so i did, and this is what i discovered..

Apparently,The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980's - a pub game for bored white trash country types, bored with driving their tractors, and beating their women senseless after 10 cans of castle mane xxxx, so they looked for other ways to let off steam..Spiritual evolvement and even the Renaissance has yet to land on the Aussie shores it would appear..

"This pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities, complete with hairy chests, all the way down to their Bollocks,( just like our lovely Javelin thrower, Fatima Whitbread.. Remember her, turns out she had a bigger cock than mine, and that's not easy.. As i have a cock like a midget, around 3 foot....)

This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the women's constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn't want to wear the shirt of a 'chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway'. Irony somewhere in there me thinks

Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp.

In order for 'persons pacified with their horizontally-perpendicular circumstances' to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Thrown Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise.. That's what i call getting paid for something only a man your statue can realize... Why is it, only men are propelled through the air.. Surely there is an Emily Pankhurst type dwarf who has campaigned for the right to females being thrown onto a specially prepared board with a velcro suit on...

Can you believe these flying midgets get six figure salaries? Can this be true?! Which makes me wonder - who in the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get hazard pay?

Basically the rules are as follows; you pick up your selected midget (who will likely be adorning some kind of safety helmet and vest), take a three step run-up and throw the little bugger as far as you possibly can. with a sticky suit on . And there you have it - possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets their human missile the furthest is the winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of prizes would be given. Sexual favours perhaps, as previously discussed, these little fuckers can go all night.... who knows??

Understandably, when people heard about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet strangely fascinating sport, there was an outcry, and people demanded action.. Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight - hundreds of people marching down on the houses of law, demanding that the vertically-challenged have the right to stay on the ground. I wish I could have been there. That would have been hilarity...

Despite all this fancy legal action, this bizarre sport is still taking place today. During my research for this article / compulsive waste of time, I stumbled across some random Satan-type website that had a section on Dwarf-Tossing. the photos were taken at a recent event, probably deep in the heart of I sleep with my sister-on-sea. One thing I noticed on inspection... it was the same midget being thrown by each one of the hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That's just not right! He doesn't even get a helmet or anything!, but my God, i laughed...

In conclusion...

Things just wouldn't be complete without a needlessly offensive Dwarf-Tossing game. I found it on some obscure site deep within the churning bowels of the world wide web. - you too can test your skill by throwing unconvincing 2D midgets into baskets. Whoever took the time to make this game needs to get out more.

And that means something, coming from a guy who writes 800 words on Dwarfs/midgets, and what fun can be had from tossing them around..Remember folks no matter how bizarre, different, or strangely fascinating this obscure and perverse sport may seem, don't try it. Johnny Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. You've heard about what they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they'd do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion... it's never cool to be a tosser... but, i would still like to see how far i could throw one down the beach....
Connor, before you leave for Brazil, can i borrow you for a minute.....

ART FOR ARTS SAKE....!!!

TI'S Sunday, 29th of March 2009, and a big welcome to my suffering readers....

Let me start this Blog by clearly stating, i know nothing about modern art, and it's hidden interpretations.. What i enjoy is a piece of work, which stands alone and does not need an explanation from a deeply troubled and psychotic artist, who has learnt to paint with his or her eyes closed whilst simultaneously stood on their heads, which apparently helps capture the mood of the piece apparently..

I am told frequently by those in the ''know'' I am so passe, like a pair of flared trousers in a drainpipe world, purely because i enjoy an artist who can paint something which clearly resembles the item they are representing..Novel hey!!!!.

But to me the art world is full of unhinged, socially inadequate misfits, who can appraise a discarded toe nail in 5000 words, or wax lyrical about a bar stool, tossed on to the dance floor, during a bar brawl, as it represents pure emotion and unadulterated passion at the moment of propulsion....uhhhhhhh.. ''what the hell are they talking about''!!!!!!, but find it impossible to be polite or exchange any type of small talk as its clearly beneath them.Poor lost souls...

In my house i have what i consider tastefully arranged art work, including a 6 piece hand painted Buddha which, to me, is tranquility personified, but for fear of ridicule, i am discarding this work of beauty, and going out tonight to accost 3 live cats and dogs, which i will frame and nail to the wall, whilst still alive and placed where once my Buddha hung.. Genius hey, ( I think Damien Hurst just came in his thong)... ''That's patented now Damien, so stick to your Cows heads with maggots,'' my lawyer is watching.!!!

The irony of all of this is that my darling girlfriend is doing a degree on the history of art and photography, which means i am forced to discuss the idiosyncratic traits of particular artists, which, if i am being honest, is as much fun as walking through Gaza, naked with the star of David tattooed on my back, sans four skin..

And i find myself re-writing her 2000 word essays, trying my best to formulate them into another language, ''Art speak'', which is incredibly taxing, as its hard enough being eloquent in the Queens English, without throwing the bullshit of art speak into the mix.... The degree would be far better re titled ''Art speak, and how to bamboozle the public with nonsensical gobbly-gook''.. .

The last time i went to a gallery, i remember seeing various images of flowers, animals, inanimate objects, landscapes, crashing oceans and the like. But now its full of images of someone who has just wet the bed, or incestuous nudity amongst verrrrrrrry close families, waste paper baskets full of rubbish,or a couple of Queers snorting Cocaine from each others genitals.. ( i know, i am so P.C.)...So tell me, what the fuck is artistic about that????, If that's modern, you can stick it in the part of Tracy Emin's anatomy where the sun don't shine.

Talking of the now very famous Miss Emin, the inspiration for her exhibition piece, ''the un made bed'', remember that?( see pic above) .. was her feelings after being plundered and pillaged all night long with a series of appendages,and marital aids,both real and latex, allegedly..And it captured her mood, or so the art critique's tell us..( her arse , sorry, i mean my heart bleeds for her..oops, sorry ,faux pas there) .
How her bedroom linen differs from anybody Else's after swapping bodily fluids in an orgy of debauchery, i cant tell you, but our Tracy was lauded from upon high for hers..Go Figure, strange world we live in, but I'm hearing wonderful news from the art world.

The aforementioned Miss Emin, recently purchased a dog called ''Shandy Warhol'', but became ill, so was taken to the vet, where this rodent like creature received a barium meal,which has inspired Tracy to produce her latest masterpiece, simply called ''WHITE DOG SHIT''..Genius at work. me thinks.

So modern art, and its critique's.For me at least, i get all lost in translation, but i must say i am growing rather fond of my slowly dying animals hanging on the wall, and as i cook my roast chicken dinner, i have had an artistic Epiphany.. I'm not going to eat it, oh no, i am going to frame this roast chicken , and hang that in the living room, which my personal shopper and art critic Cecil, has assured me is ''So Now'', as Beef tenderloin, coupled with the exposed brick wall is so out and ssoooo last Month....I think i have come over all modern and artistic....

FUCKING WEIRDO'S..


And to Quote my good friend Slice....'' GET A REAL JOB''.

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME, MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU