MIDGETS, DWARFS AND VERTICALLY CHALLENGED

Good Evening.... Its certainly been a while. Developed a bad case of writers cramp these past 2 weeks, and my creative juices dried up like my old mate moisters seed looking for an egg to impregnate.
Never mind, back on the horse now, and will share with you a political correct thought i had today whilst reading on the beach....

Ti's Tuesday, 14th of April, 2009........

Couldn't help but notice today as i relaxed with a good book, a vertically challenged fellow walked past me, and almost banged his fucking head on my sunbed, which i must say made me chuckle inside, and i may have laughed outwardly, of that i cant be sure, but I'm pretty positive i did, as I'm not the most PC guy in the world, and peoples mis-fortunes offer up some of the funniest moments we experience..

That's why you tube has become a modern day phenomena.. The youth of today no longer climb tree's, nor play ball games, as they are to busy watching people setting there pubic region alight, falling off skateboards from garage roof's or losing limbs in high speed motor bike crashes, or better still, swapping telephone files of some poor kid getting happy slapped by a bunch or moronic fuck wits, all in the name of observational humour... Peoples mis fortunes are funny, hence why this little midget made me laugh...

It must be awful i know, walking around , staring your whole life at crutches of both male and female, as 3foot is about the height of your average midget, and also around the average height of most peoples crutch's( I PERSONALLY WOULD SAY, THAT WOULD BE A POSITIVE, IN AN OTHERWISE MISERABLE EXISTENCE)....Poor little sods, in the genetic game of poker, they have been dealt a hand like a foot...

But there are some positives, for instance, If they are unlucky enough to come home from midget heaven, or where ever it is they work and have forgotten or mis laid there house keys, They can always get in through the cat or dog flap, something we cant do, so, not all bad.....

Also, proportionately, they are pound for pound stronger than grizzly bears, and can fuck like jack rabbits, these little men,as they are always horny,supposedly,( not sure who came up with those facts, but who am i to dis-believe the poll takers)....Who these dwarfs are fucking to attain this status i have not a scooby, and something which interests me, so anyone out there who has fucked a dwarf, i would love to interview you.. RANDOM STRANGER and Connor perhaps if your keen to talk to your intrepid writer....i am truly intrigued..

This brings me onto my idea, and cant be sure its original, and since found out through my useless research its not , But before i continue.. Read on.

Interesting fact 1: On average, 34 people per day find article's on this subject by typing phrases into Google like 'midget porn' and the like, occasionally mixed with words like 'goat' or 'satan' just for kicks. If you're one of these terrifying weirdos please note this blog is not for you. Seriously, get the hell out because i don't want you here, you scary bastards...... Fred wests Blog from prison is a good read, and How to stay out of the sun by Fritz' the dungeon's daughter ,is another blinding insight, so off you go, serial killers in waiting..

I'm talking about Midget throwing as a sporting spectacle, which i thought would be fun on the beach.. So i thought i would do some research on it before i started drawing huge Dart board like images in the sand,and propelling these tiny unfortunates towards the 200 point bulls eye.

Perhaps it's a sign of the times. Perhaps I have finally gone crazy. I've spent all night looking at flying dwarfs. There's a story to this - you may have seen or not an article called, 'The A-Team - Then And Now.' After putting that particular masterpiece online, I read through it and one sentence in particular leapt out at me: "Mr T (remember him) is winner of the World's Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing (since outlawed.)" Dwarf Tossing?! That sounds amazing! I just had to find out more!!, so i did, and this is what i discovered..

Apparently,The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980's - a pub game for bored white trash country types, bored with driving their tractors, and beating their women senseless after 10 cans of castle mane xxxx, so they looked for other ways to let off steam..Spiritual evolvement and even the Renaissance has yet to land on the Aussie shores it would appear..

"This pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities, complete with hairy chests, all the way down to their Bollocks,( just like our lovely Javelin thrower, Fatima Whitbread.. Remember her, turns out she had a bigger cock than mine, and that's not easy.. As i have a cock like a midget, around 3 foot....)

This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the women's constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn't want to wear the shirt of a 'chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway'. Irony somewhere in there me thinks

Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp.

In order for 'persons pacified with their horizontally-perpendicular circumstances' to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Thrown Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise.. That's what i call getting paid for something only a man your statue can realize... Why is it, only men are propelled through the air.. Surely there is an Emily Pankhurst type dwarf who has campaigned for the right to females being thrown onto a specially prepared board with a velcro suit on...

Can you believe these flying midgets get six figure salaries? Can this be true?! Which makes me wonder - who in the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get hazard pay?

Basically the rules are as follows; you pick up your selected midget (who will likely be adorning some kind of safety helmet and vest), take a three step run-up and throw the little bugger as far as you possibly can. with a sticky suit on . And there you have it - possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets their human missile the furthest is the winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of prizes would be given. Sexual favours perhaps, as previously discussed, these little fuckers can go all night.... who knows??

Understandably, when people heard about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet strangely fascinating sport, there was an outcry, and people demanded action.. Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight - hundreds of people marching down on the houses of law, demanding that the vertically-challenged have the right to stay on the ground. I wish I could have been there. That would have been hilarity...

Despite all this fancy legal action, this bizarre sport is still taking place today. During my research for this article / compulsive waste of time, I stumbled across some random Satan-type website that had a section on Dwarf-Tossing. the photos were taken at a recent event, probably deep in the heart of I sleep with my sister-on-sea. One thing I noticed on inspection... it was the same midget being thrown by each one of the hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That's just not right! He doesn't even get a helmet or anything!, but my God, i laughed...

In conclusion...

Things just wouldn't be complete without a needlessly offensive Dwarf-Tossing game. I found it on some obscure site deep within the churning bowels of the world wide web. - you too can test your skill by throwing unconvincing 2D midgets into baskets. Whoever took the time to make this game needs to get out more.

And that means something, coming from a guy who writes 800 words on Dwarfs/midgets, and what fun can be had from tossing them around..Remember folks no matter how bizarre, different, or strangely fascinating this obscure and perverse sport may seem, don't try it. Johnny Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. You've heard about what they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they'd do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion... it's never cool to be a tosser... but, i would still like to see how far i could throw one down the beach....
Connor, before you leave for Brazil, can i borrow you for a minute.....