Married life..Palmenders edition

Tis 25th of Jan 2009.....

A warm welcome

from the 8th wonder of the world, and today i want to look at this institution of The M word.. That's right, mmmmmMarriage, ( you see, i cant even write it without stumbling and stammering).

Now, i wont be so bold as to claim that i am any kind of expert on this institution, which is rapidly dying, which in my humble opinion is a good thing, as its proven itself through official figures to be failed institution, and percentages are growing all the time which support my beliefs, but for those still hell bent on going through this antiquated ritual, good luck, but one word.

pre-nup..pre-nup.... pre-nup...pre-nup...

Also, i have not been privy to married life in this part of the world,( other than what we all see ,so I'd better be careful as not to upset my host country..)

So this Demographic and hence the dynamics of the aforementioned married life will get a pass, but the developed world, and hence the rest of you Will now play host to the satire and comical observation of Johntomas....

If your in a good marriage, chances are, you are bored out of your fucking minds, as all ''GOOD' AND SOLID'' relationships are boring...( well, you know Geraldine, my husband is such a good father,and he works so hard, and comes home at night exhausted from work, eat his tea, farts a few times, then falls asleep in his favourite chair)..Its putting my brain to sleep, just writing that shit.....

Its the bad ones which carry the excitement, as you never know whats going to happen next..

So take your pick... Married and bored, or single and lonely.

Or a tempestuous sea of a relationship, where you have zero peace, nor trust, but boy its exciting, like the scariest rolla coaster know to man... but eventually, you will be burn out.. but the exchanges of ''No, it must have been you that cheated on me and gave me this nice little disease which i will carry for the rest of my day''... Nope, it was you.. blah blah blah, could not have been me, i don't cheat.. yeah, like fuck you don't..... You see... excitement all the way...

Or would you settle for this scenario played out across the globe....

You see, once your married, you will be forced to hang around other married couples, and that's disgusting..

Look forward to going to dinner with 8 zombiefied adults, the women talking about the latest in no leak nappies and diaper's, hair colorings, the latest nail bar just opened up,where you can get 3 nails done for the price of one... WORK THAT ONE OUT...LOL..

Obligatory compliments. like .''oh, what kind of moisturiser are you wearing, come on, tell us, you look 16 again.'' shut the fuck up, please... Its tedious beyond comprehension..and mendacious small talk.

Whilst the men who are all stood up by the bar, with polo jumpers slung around there necks, looking like they have all just stepped off a yacht somewhere.,talking about Barbecue's, hedge trimmers, and routes they take to work...

'' You know, sometimes i take this route i found a while back, it takes a good ten minutes off my journey, you should try it Jim, '' and all the other boring turds are nodding politely whilst stating, indeed i will Chris, thanks for the heads up man,,,,.... SHUT THE FUCK UP.... TEDIOUS!!!!

Then after eating for 3 hours the dross and small talk continues along the same lines as above, the men start asking the manager about the architecture of the restaurant whilst the Ladies are now asking the chef whats in the tea... ''Fucking water you moron''.. Go home, get your pyjama's on and look forward to the same shit the next day..

And fellas, once your married, you will become your wife's pet... That's right, her pet.

Women just love to get their husbands together, like a grown up play date for men, stick them in a room together with more boring married twerps... Pushing them towards other married men they have never met, and saying''Its alright Chris, he loves tennis just like you'', go along and speak to him... And off good christian goes like an obedient pet, and sure enough, good old chuck indeed loves tennis..'' i love tennis chuck, yeah, me too Chris.. great game.....yes sir it is, the best..... Yep, cant argue there Chuck.... '' how fucking painful is that... , LIKE CHINESE WATER TORTURE

Then Chris goes back to his wife and says, listen, who the fuck is that, and i don't need any new friends, so if you really want to help me out introduce me to a GIRL.. see how that one sits.,More chance of finding lord Lucan i afraid.

Then you get home and the wife starts again with the lets talk, we need to talk.. talk talk, fucking talk, we never talk., but the truth is ,she don't want you to talk talk talk, she wants you to listen listen listen... its relentless, but what she is really angling for is for you to ask her a series of questions which will allow her to run her mouth,non stop, like pac man with the munchies,.. You set em up, she'll knock em down.

Fellas, you want happiness in your home, just ask her..''my love, how was your day, honey i want to know''/.. You know why that will make her so happy, cause how was your day will turn into a 45minute monologue, without breathing.....and all you will be required to say is, at various points in this assault on her vocal chords is.. and i will list them.. Your kidding,.... ah haa.... get outta here..... she didn't..... ah aaaa... No way.. your kidding.. reeally.. no way.... and at the end, ''

''Told you that bitch was crazy, ''..

fellas. tell me I'm lying...And it essential you throw that bit in at the end, as all women will have another woman at work, gym, nursery that she cant stand, and will always come up in conversation..,'' I CANT STAND THAT WOMAN, SHE HATES ME FOR NO REASON, AND TRYING TO DESTROY MY LIFE''.... you probably pack handbags together in debenhams, so a little over the top there with the drama..

Now the men after finishing work will go for a drive, have a smoke, a drink, something before he goes to the family retreat, and before he sets one foot inside the door, the wife has already started..''you wont believe what happened to me today'... at 1000 miles a hour, as one topic runs into another at breakneck speed....LADIES... YOU NEED TO TALK LESS.... give a man time to get inside the house and get situated, take a shit, a cup of tea, or at least the other foot in the door before you start.....

And society wants to know why 70% of marriages end in the divorce courts.....

What is there to wonder about.... we come from different planets, and neither gender has worked out the formula to live in harmony.....

KEEP IT FRESH, HAVE YOUR INDEPENDENCE, LIVE APART, DATE, BUT AS SON AS YOU DO THE M THING, LOOK OUT..... THE ABOVE IS WAITING FOR YOUR ARSE...

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME....

MUCH LOVE FROM THE PALM