RECESSION... WHAT RECESSION..??????

T'IS THE 25TH OF MARCH... 2009

Today, i will start with an observation from one of our vastly over priced eateries, and watering holes, the wonderful Zuma!!!,(for those not living in Dubai, its a lavishly expensive restaurant and bar, where a vodka/red bull will cost you, drum roll pleeeese... 22 of your hard earned English pounds).. Yep, i shit you not...And, the place is packed. OK, by now, most of you will have a mental image of this place, No,? then let me fill in the blanks......

Upstairs is a very chic,fully equipped bar serving every drink imaginable, with a cash machine next to it, which you will need to use frequently,if your western. The locals, and Lebanese however, just obliterate their credit limits on the old faithful flexible friend, trying to ignore that Visa and MasterCard have hit men looking for them.... and beside that, there is a guy offering bank loans to its customers, so one can afford to be there, and that's before a morsel of food has past your lips..The bar is surrounded by very good looking girls, some/most professionals, oops, sorry, my bad, that type of thing doesn't happen over here.... RE Phrase,Very clean living, stunningly attractive Eastern European Ladies, with matching Prada everything, right down to the thong which shows so casually above the band of their designer Jeans,as they provocatively lean forward. An array of Manolo Blahnik's, and Jimmy Choo's, complete this visual feast.... Getting the picture.....And of course, plenty of designer men and wannabees giving it the Barry McGuigan....

OK, i had booked a table downstairs, and was starving, so could not wait to be seated and start tucking into something delicious which i had been promised..Being an avid person watcher, i quickly scanned the room as i sat down and observed the surroundings, and again, no expense spared in the decor, lighting, cutlery etc etc.. Every table was packed with a carbon copy clientele which adorned the upstairs Bar....Funny that hey.....)Trophy girlfriends a plenty, 3 or 4 girls with a single guy holding court, appearing to hang on his every word, laughing convincingly at his dour self indulgent clap trap, and one liners.. But then again, a rich mans jokes are always funny, and fucking side splitting when he's paying the bill... So laugh it up girls, a cheap price to pay for crystal and lobster....

Talking of Dead Crustaceans, the couple next to me had not spoken a word to each other, which i admit, would have been difficult, as this Lebanese Fellow, with a very nice White suit on, with very cool snake skin cowboy boots accompanying his outfit of choice, was using his mobile Phone in a very anti social manner, not holding the thing to his ear, but on loud speaker holding it flat when speaking into it, then near his mouth when listening, why, your guess is as good as mine, but it cant be the fear of radiation and brain cell rot, because if he was lucky enough to find a brain cell, hiding beneath his rats maze of a hair do, it would have died of loneliness years ago... And looking down at his boots, i was thinking,what I'd give for those boots to metamorphosise back into the reptile it once was, wrap itself firmly around his neck and choke the fucking life out him... Alas, no miracle of science and nature materialized, so had had to watch the self indulgent prick cough up phlegm into his phone, or was that just Arabic speaking, its similar, so not entirely sure...

The rest of the restaurant was full of the in crowd, who had ''Arrived'' socially speaking..But made for great watching between conversations on conspiracy, psychology,and the like with my table, no, i don't mean i was alone talking to the table, i mean.... ahhhhhhhh, you know what i mean... Anyway, after watching the snake skin'd boot man put the phone down, instead of talkng to his Wife/girlfriend, he decided again to do anything to avoid conversation, he took out his wallet, and started reading the details of his credit cards, of which there was plenty..Maybe the phone call was a please can u extend my credit line Mr City bank man sir,, please..!! who knows, but for the next 10 Min's, he carried on with this bizarre ritual and at all costs avoiding speaking with his companion.... What a catch this guy was, Form an orderly cue for this charmer girls, if he ever trades his dead house plant of a wife in for a younger model, and the ironic thing about that last statement is this.. There are plenty of takers for a provider of great wine, shoes, food and a rock the size of Sharjah on your finger.. The only inspiration i could draw from her was the Lobster salad she was eating, so thas what i ordered for my main course.

30 Min's later it arrived, and for a moment i was waiting for Ashton Kucher and the cast of ''Punk'd'' to join us.... It was fucking minuscule, and to insult me even further it only had one claw, and the last time i watched Discovery channel, they definately came in pairs... Much to the amusement of my colleagues, who know how much i appreciate my food..So i called the waiter over and asked him..''Are you taking the piss'', to this he replied, is there a problem sir... ummmmm, ''have a look on my plate and you tell me.''i retorted.... AHHH he said.... Arhhhhh indeed... He then went on to explain that the Lobsters are kept fresh in the back in big tanks, and they often fight and lose limb's.... I almost fell off my chair laughing... So, never one to miss and opportunity for extreme sarcasm, i said, so therefore, some lucky bastard in here has a 3 claw lobster salad, To which he replied ''Of course not sir''..... Great i said, and hit him with '' Well, take this fucker back to the kitchen, and bring me the winner then of this duel'' much to the amusement of my table.... And for this pleasure i paid Zuma 38 quid, for a single clawed crustacean... But it was well worth it, purely for the content of this blog.....

Recession, what recession..... Certainly not in Zuma.....

Until the next time......'' MAY THE PALM BE WITH YOU''..