My childhood memories of my father which stand out above all else are the long arduous journeys we used to take en mass, like the Von Trapp family,( there are 8 of us you see). but the hills were seldom alive with the sound of music, Just my old man moaning about the traffic, as we were gridlocked for miles on our way down to Cornwall in an old Ford Cortina, which brings me nicely on to my observation for today. In fact, there will be two observations, so more bang for your buck folks...
Ti's Friday, 27th of March...20009 A.D.... Greetings
We Brits are famous worldwide for our famous reserve, refinement, port & sherry, The good old Dunkirk spirit etc etc.. We spend hours idling and pondering over a variety of cross word puzzles, or that modern day phenomena,Sudoku and basically are experts at taking our time, with impeccable manners, and a gift for queuing without raising as much as an eye brow, let alone a protest, however long we are stood there, which begs the question..''Why is it, put us in a motor vehicle, and we all become the spawn of the anti'Christ''.
Really, its bizarre, how we all change so dramatically when driving somewhere, anywhere..Heaven forbid somebody cuts in front of you, or some joker nips down the bus lane or hard shoulder, which you would love to have the balls to do by the way, but like the self policing nation we are, we Daren't step outside the sheep pen, for fear of ''HE's not one of us you know, he's a rebel, anti establishment type, and one of those anarchist's to boot, don't you know''
George Orwell would be proud of you lot, as we police ourselves so well, there's no need for the boys in blue to get out of bed in the mornings... We have become a nation of sheeple, and unfortunately almost zero Shepard's....
Anyway, personal rant over... breathe John, that's it, calm yourself...OK...... PHEW, lost track for a nano second there.
Being stuck in a traffic jam is no fun, but looking at some of the irate faces of the drivers on the M25 they behave like its a personal vendetta being waged against them by the Greek god of traffic, MAY BACH, as they look to the heavens for an explanation. But the only thing you can be sure of, is your blood pressure going through the roof as your stress levels sky rocket off the charts, and its just as bad if you are caught by a red light in town, again, shouting ''why me'', ''it always happens to me''.. behaving in a manner, more akin to finding out you have prostrate cancer, Honestly Folks, chill the fuck out.... In 2 Min's you will be on the move again.
A common scene is the tail to bumper jam for miles, where nobody moves anywhere, as the road ahead has been closed due to the local enforcement agency scraping a joy rider off the tarmac with a dustpan and brush, after turning his stolen Rs Cosworth over at a zillion miles an hour... I personally would leave the thieving carcass for the vultures to feast on, but I guess,not the done thing old chap.. YES,i am well aware Richard H that Vultures are not indigenous to our fair Isle, so, just for you, we should leave him for the crow's...
It matters not why the road is closed, but you can rest assured that the man at the wheel gets all prehistoric, and decides to investigate the problem, telling his girlfriend, wife, ''what the fuck is going on down there'','' I'm going to take a look.''.. and gets out of the Vehicle on the motorway, and looks into the distance after walking 5 meters, where a host of other male drivers are doing the exact same thing, then walking back to the car he opens the door, and stands on the sill for a better look, ummm, genius, 10 mile traffic jam, and our intrepid explorer has a far better informed view of the problem now by raising himself up six inches.. And you Women facilitate this charade,even further, by asking//'' Babe, can you see anything darling''..''Whats going on baby''... ummmm, let me spell it out... There are fucking cars stuck together for 10 miles on a stretch of motorway, What do you expect to see..The hanging gardens of Babylon, herds of wilder beasts, sweeping majestically across the Serengeti plains.. Of course not you numpties.. Stop trying to be affirmative and manly, and stay in the car and listen to some relaxing music, or better still DO A CROSS WORD...were good at them............
We also have the same zero tolerance to being made to wait as we step inside a lift.and prepare for that mammoth journey from ground to the 1st floor, and God help the person who disturbs your journey calling it a second before lift off..(pun intended)..We almost have a coronary, as we tut and stare into the back of the culprits head, wishing some fatal disease would strike them down that very moment..
Elevators are the strangest things, Anti social in the extreme, and awkwardness personified.. Really, how many of you look at the ground when a random stranger gets in as you immediately become self aware, and we say nothing, or if we do, its usually such drizzle and dross, we actually embarrass ourselves, and end up with an even more embarrassing moment than not saying anything at all..Really, we say the most stupid things under pressure, like '' do you come here often''... Or, ''Live around here do you'' .. Its cringe worthy.....Or how many take a sudden interest in their mobile phone, studying every detail, or pretending to move it around as if searching for a signal..or we start texting nobody at all.... all the while, trying to look relaxed, humming songs that don't exist, nor ever will exist, and wishing all the time that the stranger would somehow spontaneously combust..... rather than make small talk for 30seconds..
Funnier still is the silent lift journey , but on arrival as one gets out, we find ourselves pulling a half fake smile, and muttering an inaudible version of ''bye then'' What for??.. Its more than likely you will never encounter that person again.. And me personally, i am no better, I live in a very nice Building On the Palm In Dubai, and think of myself as very amiable, social, chameleon-Esque, and confident, but i get the lift heeby jeeby's as well.. I know for example, that my lift is made by Mitsibushi, and can hold 18 people, with a maximum load of 2000kilos... in the case of a fire call 04 3336262.. and Speak clearly into the intercom in case of unexpected breakdown...You see, i am a fucking retarded lift anorak.. who also pretends to be interested in such anal info as the maker of my lift than exchange awkward banter....
I decided to do a little research on this conundrum, so went straight to google, and put in the word lift, fears, and explanations... I was bombarded with offers from a variety of concerned company's asking me, '' would you like a bigger Penis'' and '' Does your sex life need a lift''. '..'Is your lack of girth causing your relationship to suffer'' was another..
Well, no thank you, They obviously dont' know me, so therefore did not realize i was forced into having a Penis reduction 8 years ago, as 10 inches is enough for any man, or Woman, so i kindly donated the other 5inches to my good friend Nik, who lives on the Palm also, who is sadly lacking, or should i say was sadly lacking, but now packs a full ''Y'' front busting 7inches due to my act of unselfishness.
As for the explanation, it wIll have to wait, as my second search threw up pictures of midgets, or should i say vertically challenged individuals wearing very high wedges stuck in a variety of footwear, which again was not the 'lift' i was looking for...
I know, lets try 'ELEVATOR'.... dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME....
We Brits are famous worldwide for our famous reserve, refinement, port & sherry, The good old Dunkirk spirit etc etc.. We spend hours idling and pondering over a variety of cross word puzzles, or that modern day phenomena,Sudoku and basically are experts at taking our time, with impeccable manners, and a gift for queuing without raising as much as an eye brow, let alone a protest, however long we are stood there, which begs the question..''Why is it, put us in a motor vehicle, and we all become the spawn of the anti'Christ''.
Really, its bizarre, how we all change so dramatically when driving somewhere, anywhere..Heaven forbid somebody cuts in front of you, or some joker nips down the bus lane or hard shoulder, which you would love to have the balls to do by the way, but like the self policing nation we are, we Daren't step outside the sheep pen, for fear of ''HE's not one of us you know, he's a rebel, anti establishment type, and one of those anarchist's to boot, don't you know''
George Orwell would be proud of you lot, as we police ourselves so well, there's no need for the boys in blue to get out of bed in the mornings... We have become a nation of sheeple, and unfortunately almost zero Shepard's....
Anyway, personal rant over... breathe John, that's it, calm yourself...OK...... PHEW, lost track for a nano second there.
Being stuck in a traffic jam is no fun, but looking at some of the irate faces of the drivers on the M25 they behave like its a personal vendetta being waged against them by the Greek god of traffic, MAY BACH, as they look to the heavens for an explanation. But the only thing you can be sure of, is your blood pressure going through the roof as your stress levels sky rocket off the charts, and its just as bad if you are caught by a red light in town, again, shouting ''why me'', ''it always happens to me''.. behaving in a manner, more akin to finding out you have prostrate cancer, Honestly Folks, chill the fuck out.... In 2 Min's you will be on the move again.
A common scene is the tail to bumper jam for miles, where nobody moves anywhere, as the road ahead has been closed due to the local enforcement agency scraping a joy rider off the tarmac with a dustpan and brush, after turning his stolen Rs Cosworth over at a zillion miles an hour... I personally would leave the thieving carcass for the vultures to feast on, but I guess,not the done thing old chap.. YES,i am well aware Richard H that Vultures are not indigenous to our fair Isle, so, just for you, we should leave him for the crow's...
It matters not why the road is closed, but you can rest assured that the man at the wheel gets all prehistoric, and decides to investigate the problem, telling his girlfriend, wife, ''what the fuck is going on down there'','' I'm going to take a look.''.. and gets out of the Vehicle on the motorway, and looks into the distance after walking 5 meters, where a host of other male drivers are doing the exact same thing, then walking back to the car he opens the door, and stands on the sill for a better look, ummm, genius, 10 mile traffic jam, and our intrepid explorer has a far better informed view of the problem now by raising himself up six inches.. And you Women facilitate this charade,even further, by asking//'' Babe, can you see anything darling''..''Whats going on baby''... ummmm, let me spell it out... There are fucking cars stuck together for 10 miles on a stretch of motorway, What do you expect to see..The hanging gardens of Babylon, herds of wilder beasts, sweeping majestically across the Serengeti plains.. Of course not you numpties.. Stop trying to be affirmative and manly, and stay in the car and listen to some relaxing music, or better still DO A CROSS WORD...were good at them............
We also have the same zero tolerance to being made to wait as we step inside a lift.and prepare for that mammoth journey from ground to the 1st floor, and God help the person who disturbs your journey calling it a second before lift off..(pun intended)..We almost have a coronary, as we tut and stare into the back of the culprits head, wishing some fatal disease would strike them down that very moment..
Elevators are the strangest things, Anti social in the extreme, and awkwardness personified.. Really, how many of you look at the ground when a random stranger gets in as you immediately become self aware, and we say nothing, or if we do, its usually such drizzle and dross, we actually embarrass ourselves, and end up with an even more embarrassing moment than not saying anything at all..Really, we say the most stupid things under pressure, like '' do you come here often''... Or, ''Live around here do you'' .. Its cringe worthy.....Or how many take a sudden interest in their mobile phone, studying every detail, or pretending to move it around as if searching for a signal..or we start texting nobody at all.... all the while, trying to look relaxed, humming songs that don't exist, nor ever will exist, and wishing all the time that the stranger would somehow spontaneously combust..... rather than make small talk for 30seconds..
Funnier still is the silent lift journey , but on arrival as one gets out, we find ourselves pulling a half fake smile, and muttering an inaudible version of ''bye then'' What for??.. Its more than likely you will never encounter that person again.. And me personally, i am no better, I live in a very nice Building On the Palm In Dubai, and think of myself as very amiable, social, chameleon-Esque, and confident, but i get the lift heeby jeeby's as well.. I know for example, that my lift is made by Mitsibushi, and can hold 18 people, with a maximum load of 2000kilos... in the case of a fire call 04 3336262.. and Speak clearly into the intercom in case of unexpected breakdown...You see, i am a fucking retarded lift anorak.. who also pretends to be interested in such anal info as the maker of my lift than exchange awkward banter....
I decided to do a little research on this conundrum, so went straight to google, and put in the word lift, fears, and explanations... I was bombarded with offers from a variety of concerned company's asking me, '' would you like a bigger Penis'' and '' Does your sex life need a lift''. '..'Is your lack of girth causing your relationship to suffer'' was another..
Well, no thank you, They obviously dont' know me, so therefore did not realize i was forced into having a Penis reduction 8 years ago, as 10 inches is enough for any man, or Woman, so i kindly donated the other 5inches to my good friend Nik, who lives on the Palm also, who is sadly lacking, or should i say was sadly lacking, but now packs a full ''Y'' front busting 7inches due to my act of unselfishness.
As for the explanation, it wIll have to wait, as my second search threw up pictures of midgets, or should i say vertically challenged individuals wearing very high wedges stuck in a variety of footwear, which again was not the 'lift' i was looking for...
I know, lets try 'ELEVATOR'.... dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME....
Beauty! Liked that one
ReplyDeleteLaughed like crazy..MY HUSBAND DOES EXACTLY THAT..LOL... i showed him and he laughed,and said, so this is the guy you keep talking about.
ReplyDeleteHEY, Geraldine, almost all men do it
ReplyDelete