The things you see it at 37000 feet..

Greetings.. It's been a while hasn't it, but I am still very much alive, and the stories of my demise have been wildly exaggerated, so don't believe the hype as its all an illusion anyway.

T'is the 10th of August, 2011......

As i sit on here on easy jet flying to Munich, which in fact is my first trip the father land, I can’t help thinking about the cultural differences between us sledgehammer Brits and the efficiency of the Germans,.. . They are often accused, mostly by the Brits of course that they are far too literal about things, which they contest most vehemently , although any nation whose word for Gloves is Hand schuen which literally means ‘’Hand shoes’’ have not a leg to stand on, or a hand schuen for that matter..

Being literal of course is not the sole right of the Germans, as the Yanks, who i believe are twinned with good ol Germany suffer from the same affliction, and to be honest, my closest girlfriend on this planet, Miss Danielle, a born and bred Auzzie, with a brain the size of a Dwarf star,(And to save you googling that D, it’s fucking huge, and it’s a compliment. The irony, lol.. ), is the most literal person on this planet, period, and I have spent many hours holding my ribs atliteral misunderstandings which to her credit, she laughs at just as hard.. .

Anyway, like I said, Observing people at close quarters is a wonderful way to pass 90 minutes on a cramped plane, and people watching is what I do best, sowill highlight now for you my thoughts as we cruise the skies at 37,000 feet.. ..

The first glaringly obvious difference I can deduct from this budget flight on its way to Munich compared with many others I have taken to Europe is this. The Germans are nowhere near as fat as the Brits, or certainly not our American cousins, who barely manage to squeeze a singular fat arse cheek into seats which are made solely for those who possess snake hips, and watching these overweight primates force their fat arses into seats made for pre pubescent Ethiopians is comedy gold.

Having said that, what the Germans lack in waist circumference, they make up in Head size. I kid you not; they are more akin to giant water melons than Heads, although finding a sense of humour stuck in that enormous suede is the definition of futility, although, after shortdeliberation, I think I prefer the droll krauts to the moronic three British stooges who seem to find shouting ‘’Vorsprung Durk Technic’’ at the German air hostess every time she passes by, the epitome of high brow humour... For the record, it means, ‘’Fuck you BMW’’, created by an ad agency working for Audi I believe. But don’t quote me..

To my immediate right sit an American couple, who could be part of the 25% who are ancestrally tied to the Father land, or they could be part of the other 75%, who are Zionist Jews. Matters not to be honest, but if i had to hazard a guess , I would go with the yarmulke and the missing 4 skin, but one thing’s for sure, they love the sound of their own voices as they plan their trip, which is intriguing considering 90% of Americans are unaware that the World extends past Miami, and that the Earth is indeed round, so I applaud them at least for leaving that fascist dictatorship, even for a day.

But on closer inspection, Germany and America have plenty in common. They both love Benny hill, Mr Bean, and Hot dogs the size of cricket pitches, and who else would decorate their homes with tangerine walls ,purple carpets, bright green three piece suites, and travel with suitcases made from grannies old carpet? Well apart from mate Peanut, who lives in Dubai, only the Germans or the Yanks, who also, by the way think they live in democratic free countries, but are in fact cocooned in enough gaffer tape through bureaucracy to mummify Egypt, twice over.
One takes it in the Arseshiftz from that former stunning model Merkel, and the others from a lying coconut who could not lie in bed straight. Twinned countries indeed..

As we are on the subject of idiosyncratic traits of the inhabitants of differing countries, I came across a very interesting fact whilst reading the in flight magazine. A recent poll taken highlighted the most miserable people who were most unhappy with their lot, and I was gob smacked at the country that came top of the tree, or most unhappy with their existence... I was expecting a raft of countries with genuine gripes, like Afghanistan, whose inhabitants are happy if they wake up in a bed which still resides in the same post code as their homes, or they reach down on waking and smile as their left leg is still attached to their right..
Or a town i visited in Zambia where abstract poverty was running at 93% and the only entertainment was a table tennis table with two old broken frying pans for bats and a ball that has been lost years ago, but still seemed to be of interest to the poor locals,and where the only water falls from the tears of the suffering.Icould go on highlighting genuine reasons for the poor, suffering souls of a plethora of countries, but wont bore you with my save the children rhetoric and get to the point..

The least happy country and its miserable inhabitants, is,... ITALY!!!!!!!. That is not a typo, read that again, ITALY.!!!.. Ok we know it has its problems, but the most unhappy? It would be a start if they took greater notice of where they were going, rather than attempting to look good, and staring in shop windows, not at the designer clothes, which hang off them anyway, but at themselves all fucking day seems a gigantic waste of time.

This next fact, and of this you can be sure, and I really sympathize. That trophy model wife you married in her teens will not last long, and before you know it,you will wake up one morning long before her 28th birthday, and she will have turned into her mother of 64 and weighing 85 kilos, with the once svelte black dress being replaced by a black sack which hides a set of tits which touches her knees.(One of life's unexplained phenomena)

Another problem I can sympathize with is that kids are not allowed to leave home until 72, and are still getting smacked around the head on a daily basis by the fascist loving father who still thinks the God father was real, and a shrine to Tony Montana, (aka scar face)sits proudly next to a statue of the Virgin Mary holding her baby of some sex, but for the life of me i could not tell you which..

We understand you have a corrupt paedophile who uses black boot polish on his nut to disguise his lack of follicles on his dishonest dome running your country, and he wont get out of bed unless he gets a back hander, but then again, the whole country don't either...

And I really feel for the guys who leave their homes in Naples fully dressed, and return most evenings semi naked as the Napolitano’s have literally removed their shirts from their backs, and walking into Switzerland to post your letters is the only way of guaranteeing its arrival must get awfully fucking tiring, but you have clothes, ample water, food(See Former stunning wife, who now resembles Susan Boyle), shelter, decent medical facilities, roads, blah blah blah, so to claim to be the most unhappy nation on Earth is fucking scandalous, but that’s what the Italians do best. Moan, Moan, and moan some more....I blame the pope personally!!!.

Anyway, talking of cultural stereotyping, the plane is now landed and you should see the carnage unfolding before my eyes.. The Germans are off their arses faster than a James Bond villain in an ejector seat from an Aston Martin , and there are beach towels and Hawaiian tropic suntan lotion fucking everywhere, as they jostle for position, but the funny thing is, nearest beach is 60 miles away... I thank my Old Granddad for defeating the Luftwaffe single handed with nothing more than a catapult and a box cutter, or I myself might be now throwing my larger than normal head around whilst reserving an aisle seat with an 8ft beach towel.

73% of a 187,457 people asked agreed with the above findings, whilst 13% of the remaining 16,943 reserved the right to comment, which loosely means that 8.9% of the above is made up according to a survey taken by just 15 Lesbians...

STRANGE OLD WORLD WE LIVE IN....